63 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I listened to a great conversation about success on the OnBeing podcast. Krista Tippett was at Stanford for this conversation with Stanford Education Researcher, Denise Pope and Abraham Verghese, the physician and author of Cutting for Stone. Pope and Verghese “argue that’s because the way we educate for success doesn’t support the creation of full, well-rounded humans. And they see the next generation challenging our cultural view of success by insisting that a deeply satisfying life is one filled with presence, vulnerability, and care for others.”

It made me feel hopeful that education will begin to shift from focus on achievement to focus on the learning process and the quality of life we impose on our young people. It also reminded me that I had once been an education major and that I had wanted to teach junior high kids. Ultimately, I changed my major because my views and desired approach for education would not be supported. It’s such an important job. it would be fun to work with kids, because they have so much to share.

I got to have a great conversation with my daughter this evening. She is a wonderful person. It’s fun to hear what she wants to talk about and how she feels when she wants to share. She is incredibly good-natured and so gracious. Some people might say a young person is wise beyond their years. I get that feeling from my daughter, and she’s also has a sense of wholeness or completeness about her. Even though she’s still developing in many ways, she seems to have such a complete sense of self and understanding that theres’s always more. I feel so so grateful for her. She even said, “I’m glad we got to talk.” Which just made me feel so happy for both of us. I’m extraordinarily lucky.

Completely,

Laura

62 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. It’s been a mellow, solo kind of day. I didn’t think too hard or try to do or avoid too much. Not a lot of expectation on the day. I don’t feel like looking into the screen and typing so much. Going analog…

Completely,

Laura

61 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. It was a special day. I got to spend time with my best friend from high school and her seven year old daughter. I’m too tired to elaborate more than that.

Completely,

Laura

60 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I’m halfway through this sadhana. I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished too much, but I will keep going. It’s all I can do. I’m getting good insights from different podcasts that I’ve been listening to. The main thing for me is that I just need to keep going and I must stay open to letting this be what it will be.

I’m the most offensive to myself and I know it. I shut down and resist the pressure I put on myself to “get things done.” I notice that when I let myself slip into the mode of getting things done, it is so much more fruitful, not to mention enjoyable!

I still feel sick. I was wondering if this thing was allergies, but I took some allergy meds today and it didn’t really seem to do anything. I think it just needs to work it’s way out. Part of it is likely that I needed a break and a reset physically and mentally.

Going to sleep…

Completely,

Laura

59 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I stayed home sick again. Slept ‘til Noon after I dropped my daughter off at school. I haven’t slept like that in a very long time. It felt amazing.

It’s evening now and I am feeling better, though not 100%. Getting sick feels so terrible and slows me down so much that I gain a renewed sense of gratitude and motivation when I start feeling better. It feels good to have more energy. I am looking forward to feeling better again soon…hopefully by the weekend!!!

I watched the best stand up today “Not Normal”, Wanda Sykes’ Netflix special. She is phenomenal. I want to watch it again with my family. Comedy is important to me. I posted some thoughts on Instagram. The coolest insight I experienced is a distinction that I am understanding as “Comedy focused Comedy” vs “Comedian focused Comedy”. The comedians that really kill me are the ones that do Comedy focused comedy. I think it’s because they’re pointing to something that makes them laugh and then we’re laughing together. I appreciate Comedian focused Comedy too, but it’s different. I’m not sure how to describe it right now, but it’s a different kind of feeling and it feels a little more deliberate than intentional, if that makes any sense.

Comedy focused comedy has some element of discovery to it. Like you see something and then the more you look at it the more you start to see about what what you’re seeing. Comedian focused comedy can feel like it’s more about the comedian’s process or way of putting it out there. This is all raw thinking but I think that comedy focused comedy has a higher frequency of truth and intention, while comedian focused comedy can tend to have more ambiguity when it comes to truth and intention. Comedy focused comedy is connected to the inner justice system. Comedian focused comedy is fighting the outer justice system.

Who knows?! Just some first order thinking and feeling on what I think is an interesting takeaway from watching Wanda Sykes.

Gotta get some Z’s.

Completely,

Laura

58 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Now I know why I was so unmotivated over the weekend. I was getting sick. I have been feeling pretty awful since I woke up. I left work early to come home and get some rest. I’m still tired and achey, so I’m going back to sleep.

Completely,

Laura

57 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. It feels like I haven’t been able to write freely despite the fact that I have felt the need to write. There are things in particular that I’ve been wanting to let myself pursue in writing, but it continues to not happen.

Meditation saves me everyday. I feel so much better about myself and my experience during my daily meditation. Today has been a sad day. I’ve been feeling a sadness for some time now. It’s the sadness of living and dying. It’s what we do everyday, but usually without the medically induced physical suffering and the tangible waiting that comes with terminal illness. The gratitude and grandiosity of our shared experiences are as intense as the suffering and the waiting. Death is the thing that breaks me down into every part of myself. Down to the shards with the jagged edges. Unable to hold myself together. Not able to make sense of the fragments. Bare and barely living is how I feel. My time here has no real purpose. What am I working so hard for? What am I pushing so relentlessly for? How smart, informed and well read do I really need to be? How put together, well taken care of and flawless do I really need to appear? I’m broken down, spirit-to-spirit with the departed, face-to-face with my barely living self and I’m reminded of what really, really, really matters. All the stuff that no one needs to know but me. I don’t know if there is any other purpose in life except to know how it matters to me.

Purpose and matter. I don’t think there’s a conflict with these two. I think they are more similar than they are conflicting. In some sense, it feels like it’s more about accepting what is across the space of our perception of past, present and future. There are not really words for the experience of whole heartedly understanding what is.

Death is a time and space of rest for everyone. I appreciate that we can be slower. Sometimes I desperately do not want to pick it all back up, though. This time and space is more comfortable to me. It feels important and gratifying to celebrate someone who has touched my life. It feels lovely to learn more about who someone is to so many others. It feels connecting to understand more of what truly mattered to someone I only knew part of.

I don’t know if we can ever know a whole person solely through our relationship with them. I think one of the beautiful experiences in life is when we get to see more of their brilliance and love through others. Death is not a dark place.

Completely,

Laura

56 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I did not feel well today. Not sure why, but can’t seem to drum up desire for anything.

Completely,

Laura

55 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Surprisingly, I woke up on time and went right to the gym without hesitation. It was not the most intense workout, but I was glad I made it.

My daughter, two of her friends and I had a great time at the MNUFC game. MN United beat the Houston Dynamos and the new Allianz Field is an awesome venue—not to mention, our seats were amazing (thanks to my sister and brother-in-law). The futbol community is a lively and fun bunch of people.

I don’t really follow any team or sport, but I love seeing athletes in their element. I’m reminded of the power of the individual who pursues one thing with their whole being. I’m inspired by how strong, connected and brilliant they are in their bodies and the way they are committed to training and practice.

I want to be physically strong and more complete like an athlete.

Completely,

Laura

54 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. It is really late / early into Saturday morning, so I’ll be brief. I spent some time looking at TheLoft.org. I looked at classes and the November Wordsmith event. It made me wonder if I could have a solid proposal by November. Of course, the answer is yes, but I also sense some doubt and confusion about everything I need to do in order to make that happen. I felt a little overwhelmed so I shifted gears and started writing a letter to an author.

I really enjoy writing letters and writing content reviews. There’s something so fun about enjoying my own experience and writing to unfold or as my experience is unfolding. It feels like what I mean to describe is not “unfolding”, it feels more like blooming. There’s an aspect of nature that comes with the idea of blooming that feels much more akin to what’s happening when I’m writing while observing my experience. It’s in the writing-observing experiences that I understand the concept of the past, present and future all happening at once.

My daughter recently called me out on how I saw I feel a lot of the time. It struck a chord in me that made me realize that I am clairsentient. I learned of this term when I was reading about Echo Bodine and she explains more about different psychic abilities: clairvoyant (seeing), clairaudient (hearing) and clairsentient (feeling). At the time I had read about these terms, they made sense and I could understand them, and I even identified that clairsentience was the one that seemed most relatable to me. I really do know things primarily by feeling. I know that for sure. Until recently, psychic development classes seemed so mysterious and confusing. Now, I understand and can see it is possible to develop psychic abilities, because I’m more aware clairvoyance and clairaudience opening up, too.

It’s almost 4am…yikes! It is so nice to take all the time I want to write without so much regard for time, but I better get some rest.

Completely,

Laura

53 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Sometimes there’s something out of the ordinary that happens and it feels like a reminder for me. Today I noticed that Simon & Schuster Audio reposted one of my Instagram posts. It was a post that I wrote after listening to Busy Phillips’ book This Will Only Hurt A Little using the cloudlibrary app. I am taking this as a positive reminder to keep writing and sharing.

I’m all for receiving and taking what I need and letting the rest be. Not always an easy or immediate approach, but it works better for me. There was another conversation that I had today that is starting to remind me of an honest and important why I must keep writing the book no matter how disorganized or clueless I feel during the process. Even if someone were to try and show me the way, that would be helpful, but I always have to find my own way. My understanding and belief that I must do everything myself is truly one of the golden seeds of life. It can also be one of the life threatening weeds in life, too. Both worthy of existing. More beneficial if I’m able to discern one from the other and not mistake one for the other.

My life is really good. The only thing that really seems to be suffering is my manicure. Haha. It’s so terrible. I haven’t mastered the art of so many human things, it feels shameful and embarrassing when I have to be around others. There are so many things that I want to be better at in my daily routine, but I forget until I remember when I’m in an uncomfortable situation. I have been extremely lazy in my physical appearance. I’m so tired in the morning that I just do the bare minimum as fast as I can and run out the door. It’s like I’m afraid I will just go back to sleep or waste a lot of time sloooooowly getting ready in the morning. It feels like a waste of time.

My relationship and perception of time is frantic and rebellious. I either want to rush through the next thing because I’m afraid I’ll forget something or I feel like there isn’t enough time to do everything I want to do so I do nothing. I wish I could just do what I want when I felt like it, so much that I would be able to master doing everything I wanted based on my own schedule. Sometimes when I have the freedom to do what I want when I want, more things happen and it’s a more enjoyable experience…like this post today.

I really need to go do Sobagh Kriya and go to sleep. i was rebelling against it getting late because I wanted to spend some time writing. Now I’m feeling like I’m ready to move to my meditation and then enjoy falling asleep. I’m excited to keep writing and figuring out what my book is going to be.

Completely,

Laura

52 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I think I haven’t reached my breaking point with this dance of doing my best to keep making progress and breaking down and locking myself away to ruthlessly get after the research.

I have a lot of things on my mind that I haven’t been able to designate as real and worthy at this time or real and worthy for another time or not immediately or foreseeably real or worthy. The mental clutter is not good for me. I drag myself down, I become mundane, I get annoyed by myself, I try to avoid being around others in this condition, I realize I’m not really having fun and finally, I do whatever I need to do to change, annoy myself less and have more fun.

It feels like Summer is already in motion below the surface. I feel the feeling of how I feel when the season is changing. The changing of the seasons has a specific feeling that I’m not sure I can describe, but I notice it.

The way I define entertainment and fun looked the same up until a handful of years ago, but the feeling has always been the same.

The way we remember and don’t remember so much of our lives is kind of fascinating. It doesn’t feel good to not be able to remember so many people, places and things, but there’s also something lovely about being able to not have to remember everything.

Random thoughts today. Writing these daily posts is like writing morning pages, which is great, but it’s the worst writing and thinking. I don’t love putting this out there because it’s not good writing or good reading, but I am glad I am keeping up with the daily practice.

Completely,

Laura

51 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. The wind has been howling all night. I often think and say that everything cannot happen all at once, but I think it’s more accurately thought of as I cannot equally be aware of everything all at once. I need to feel when I write and I also need to write to become more aware of what I feel. I have been struggling to write these posts because they involve a bit of sharing and I’ve got some things in my awareness that I’m just not feeling up to sharing about just yet. When I’m holding on and needing to close myself off in an area, it affects my whole ability to feel and express. The holding and feeling simultaneously is exhausting for my body from the inside out. The yes and the no intentions are holding me hostage—I’m trapped and unable to move in any direction.

Just like always. I know what I must do. I just don’t know when it will happen. It seems like I ought to be able to influence or manage the timing, but I don’t. Something else within me moves me. It’s nothing more strategic or magical than coming into alignment so that energy is moving through my whole system to support me.

Completely,

Laura

50 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I was so tired all day. I still feel tired, so I’m not going to write much on this post tonight. I don’t like when it feels like I’m being lazy and not following through the way I intend to, but sleep is extremely important and will help!

Feeling Monday…

Completely,

Laura

49 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I have been supremely lazy today. I watched some subpar movies on Netflix and ate pizza. Perfect cold, rainy day.

Completely,

Laura

48 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I started reading Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza. 20 pages in and feeling like I can relate and understand. I have been focusing on my own studies and not reading much for awhile now. I’m on the fence about whether or not I want to continue reading because I am in a process of writing.

I am more interested in my personal experience and understanding of my experience at this time. It’s a bit of a closed off time for me. I would like to be more open, but there is something present that is keeping my focus on my own experience. It feels very positive and right for now, so I am appreciating the break from the pressure of learning and knowing more about what is already out there. It’s all already out there anyway. It’s just my time to learn and enjoy it for myself.

One thing that I did re-experience as I was reading, was the feeling that the emotions around my experience at this time do not really matter so much. Everything is relative. Although, our experiences vary in what our current situations or perceived realities are around different facets of our lives, ourselves and what we must do—the feelings we have are oftentimes the same or very similar. Our challenges and aspirations for ourselves around finance, wealth, health, relationships, personal expression, etc look different, but the feelings about our weaknesses and strengths around them are similar and relatable. In some way, this helps neutralize it all for me and makes it less of a statement or judgment about me and more of an understanding about what the ways I am learning and growing at this time.

I have to admit that I really have no idea if I’m really in the process of writing the book I am trying to write. Sometimes it feels like I am making progress and other times it feels like I am avoiding it or on the cusp of truly entering into the realm of myself where I am fully together and I can see the process clearly enough to just keep going. I am making progress in my own way.

I liked what Joe Dispenza says at the beginning of this book. He talks about how it took him a long time to write this book because he was worried about offending some people, but once he realized he didn’t need to write for that audience he was able to go all in and write the book he had always wanted to write in the way that he knew it needed to be written. He didn’t exactly say those words, but that’s how I understood and connected with that part of the introduction.

I am borrowing this book from my library and because of that, I think I will continue to read and I will try the meditations. I am generally pretty open to trying things, but I have a lot that I’m already doing so it’s more that I don’t want to feel overwhelmed or like I don’t have the capacity to really connect and consider the information and the practices—or, like I’m getting distracted from my main focus at this time.

From what I’ve read thus far, it seems like it will only be supportive and expanding to the intentions I am currently focused on.

Completely,

Laura

47 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I’m too tired to write much here. Going to sleep…

Completely,

Laura

46 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Sometimes life gets real in such a way that locks me up, crushes me and throws me far beyond myself. I see who I’ve been and why. I understand it all in a neutral way. It exposes the drama that’s being written and acted out without much direction or rehearsal, if any at all. Life becomes so different when something causes the awareness to rise up between myself and I. Seeing myself for real. How my intentions don’t always become actions or how they don’t match up with my actions.

Mostly, what I’m seeing and feeling is the personal tragedy I create over and over again when I do not follow through with expressing important things to people who are family / like family. I get tangled up in my own assumptions and I hold myself back,. I feel that feeling of when I don’t do the things I really want to do in my heart of hearts or because I have to be a higher functioning human.

Being human is something else — we all know it…

I heard and felt my whole self say, “I am a beautiful soul and a horrible human.” You can get what that really means if you read it more than once.

Completely,

Laura

45 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day! It was a busy day, but a good day. I have to admit that I like working when it’s busy and there are things to do. I am able to immerse myself in work in a way that I wish I could apply to other areas of my life. On some fronts, I believe it helps spark something in me that makes me feel more energetic about making progress and getting stuff done in other areas. On other fronts, I become completely oblivious to things I ought to be doing for my personal life.

I think it’s fair to say that I become acutely aware of where my all or nothing and somewhat addictive tendencies come into play and how they help and hinder me. Somehow, I manage and alternate thriving, maintaining and completely checking out in waves.

I need to get going to take care of some things, but I love writing and am feeling more open to sharing more of the writing I’m finding in my research. I still think that there is a lot of opportunity for improving and revising, but I’m still working through being more open to that process because a lot of the writing I do is a journey. I keep finding a bit of brilliance here and there, but then I realize that the journey or the process of how that bit of brilliance became illuminated or discovered is just as interesting and seems to add more dimension and meaning in a way that feels connecting.

I probably need a little more distance from myself and the tendency to relive the experience I was having when I wrote the original thoughts. To write is such a worthy challenge and adventure. It is also one of those life things that just works better when I do it and don’t think so much or talk so much about it until the time comes and I am moved to do so.

Completely,

Laura

44 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I’m writing notecards from February 2017. It is such an enjoyable and laborious process. It puts me in touch with the me that I want to be. I’m rediscovering my discoveries, now walking alongside myself. Best friends. Always and forever.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

I am losing it

I am losing my ability
to carry on without me

When there was spirit the light was different
and there were no edges

I didn’t have to define me
I just was
I knew I existed

I didn’t need a reason
or an understanding
or a way to go

I lived in the breath
that’s all there was

It was the light and the dark
there was no difference

Feeling was feeling
no judgment
just love

I breathed the breath
and the breath was me

I was everything
there was no me
separate

Creation was everything
no desire for more
no feeling of less

When I am in union
Creation within the creator

©2017 Laura Peppin

It’s fun to find the bits of brilliance as I’m reading through some of the times where I felt like I was struggling. This bit came through as I was writing through the feelings of exhaustion, resistance and despair. There was also an acknowledgement that I also felt my life was so good and I felt ungrateful for complaining and feeling horrible. The only thing I really wanted to do then and that I really want to do now is write. That’s very clear. So, I keep going each day…

Completely,

Laura