Home.
This is the fifth year in a row that I’ve had a word that has served as my intention and my North Star. For 2020, my word is: HOME.
In January, our house got egged (v1 of Junior Senior wars) and I felt the irony of my word for the year. Fortunately, at the time I was in a terrific mood and didn’t get irritated, because I was running out the door to go see Oprah! Instead, I remember thinking it was an indication that I was going to be forced to get real about my connection with my sense and space of home.
In April, I realized again how ironic and apropos it is that my word for this year is HOME. Unexpectedly spending so much time at home due to the COVID-19 pandemic has really forced me to feel connected and committed to my home. I have to be honest, I am enjoying spending time at home, even despite the house’s imperfections and outdated aesthetic. Most of the time, I only see all of the things that need my time, money and attention for improvement, but being home so much is helping me feel more gratitude for what is and more inspiration about potential and investment.
I have disliked the obligations that come with owning a home. Yes, it is such a blessing and I love having a home, but it’s just a lot to take care of. I haven’t even mastered the art or the obligation of taking care of the home that is my body. Not enough sleep or exercise and oftentimes too many carbs. I have such a strong disdain for the feeling of obligation when it comes to most things in life. I just struggle with it and dislike it so much. Feels like less fun or no fun at all. That said, rebellion or avoidance of taking care of obligation feels worse.
Over the past 8-ish months, I’ve found my mindset and emotions about obligation changing. I’m learning that what I’ve been referring to as “obligation” is often privilege that I’m taking for granted. I really mix things up in my mind sometimes. It’s humbling, but I’m always grateful when I become aware of my faulty mindset. This realization has shined a light on the limiting thoughts and feelings that I’ve been letting rule me. How often have I let this idea of obligation get in the way of creating the life I really want? It’s a good question for me to remember to ask myself when that feeling of obligation creeps up. It turns out, it feels better to recognize and honor the privilege in front of me.
I have also come to realize that HOME has been more of a concept in my life. It’s a feeling that I experience. I don’t know if it’s a specific place. Places have always felt so temporary. I don’t really recall feeling comfortable anywhere in the world. I like to think that maybe this is how everyone feels, but oftentimes, I get the feeling that’s not the case. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I don’t really know how I got here. Would I feel different if I had known my birth parents and grown up with people who share my dna and look like me? Would I feel like I knew my place in the world or like I’d always had a place? I’m not really sure and I don’t need to spend a lot of time pondering these things, but they are thoughts that come from time-to-time that are worth acknowledging. All of these questions have come up moreso in my adult life after having my daughter. I think I realized that having my first blood relative has given me a better sense of orientation and connection in the world and in my life. It’s made me curious about what it would’ve been like to have this kind of connection from birth. Would my idea and sense of HOME be different? I’ll never know for sure and it really doesn’t matter because I’m happy for the experience that I’m having. I’ll tell you, there are benefits to having an unknown history. I don’t feel predisposed to any health condition or disorder, I get to skip half the questionnaire at the doctor’s office, I get to be the start of my own legacy, and it feels like I have always just been me, rather than being deemed or expected to be “just like mother or father.”
HOME has been a really good word for me to look toward and embrace in 2020. The simplicity of being able to stay home and limit social interaction has allowed me to find more appreciation and joy for all that we have. I’ve also enjoyed making adjustments and improvements around the house, because we’re spending so much quality time here. It’s a different feeling to be able to settle into this space rather than passing through. There’s a better sense of balance and flow, because I get to enjoy the benefits of all the tasks instead if feeling like it’s an endless cycle of to do’s.
This idea of settling into the space around me has made me realize how important travel is to me, because I want to get a feel for more spaces and places in the world. I still have not been to my birthplace and I really want to see what I feel like in Seoul. I can imagine still feeling without a place, perhaps even more so than I do here, because I look Korean but I don’t speak the language or know the culture. That reality aside, I think it will be a really powerful experience to feel the energy and the spirit of the people, the customs, the food, the city, and the land. This makes me think about some things I learned while working with Native American tribes early in my career and how the Elders talked about how important it is to know your name and your language and to remember where you came from. With these teachings in mind, I’ve wondered if visiting will open up a connection or if I’ll feel inspired to learn more through research or maybe living in Korea for a year. I’ll be honest, I’m a little afraid to go, because I might get overwhelmed with emotion and just cry the whole time. So be it. I will go, I will make sure to make it a longer trip to give myself the time I need and I’m sure I’ll write about it when I do. What is life without feeling and sharing?
As 2020 comes to a close, I’ve been thinking about how perfect it was that the word HOME came to me for this year. I’ve been feeling like it somehow helped me be prepared and find more opportunities in a stay-at-home world. I’m really happy and proud of the physical improvements I was able to make this year and am optimistic about continuing to invest in it. I want to enjoy the rest of this year connected to HOME. It feels like the more I’m able to feel a connection, the more I’m getting better at creating a real sense of HOME.
I love that each of the words I’ve chosen over the years have allowed me to make shifts and integrate these new mindsets and patterns. Each of the words and their intentions have cumulative and exponential qualities that continue to inspire and expand me. It’s such a rewarding practice and I don’t think it’s possible to go wrong!
I am looking forward to knowing what my word will be for 2021. There is one word that has been showing up and I think it could be the one, but I want to take a little more time so I can know for sure.
This year, I’m even more pumped about this process, because I'm doing Group Activations for 2021 Vision + Word the last week in December. We'll do some energy work, journaling and discussion to help activate the process of connecting with each of our visions and words. There are several dates and it's a pay-what-you-can workshop, so share with friends, all are welcome!
Sign-up here: https://blueprintwellness.as.me/2021vision
