109 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I feel like I am coming out of dark, oxygen-less cave…finally. Just when I think I am lost and hopelessly scatterbrained, it all comes back together and I am found by people in my life whom I love and help me see where I am. Today, I am so grateful to have had two really special conversations with people who are very dear and inspiring to me.

Even though, there is no certainty about how and when things will happen, I do feel a certainty and a devoutness that I know who I am. There’s an undefined vastness, yet distinguishable quality about it all and this is where the certainty is for me. What I see is that it’s all open to a certain degree in a way that keeps me observing, probably for too long, but there’s a force that moves me when the time is right and I know it. What saves me is the bigger vision, because I know who I am there and I trust it. It starts with trust, hope and belief in a vision for it to be known as real. What I’m not always aware of, but am noticing now is some sense of inevitability that what is, will be. We know this. It’s just a matter of time. We recognize it when it’s here. This means that whomever each of us is, will be (if we allow it). It’s only a matter of time. If this is making some sense to you, or finding its way through your senses, you’ll start to know how this really takes some pressure off and makes the journey more of an adventure. I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day.

It’s later now. I’ve spent some time writing today. Writing is everything. I don’t know who or why I am without it. Even with it, it’s not always clear or evident what I’m doing or why, but eventually it all makes sense for a time, which is all I really need (over and over again). Writing brings a very subtle and visceral sense of joy. The whole feeling of joy and all its parts connected in me. It’s like what lives inside of me is wholly alive again and happy to be here. All the goodness of life is in me, comes through me and from me, if I so choose. I am my own universe and creator. It just gets tricky being a universe within a universe that collides with other universes and creators, but there’s something interesting and fun about seeing other universes…not to mention observing and connecting with other creators. I don’t really care if none of this makes sense. It’s fun to imagine and visualize myself and life in this way.

It’s later and I’m writing again.

I am like an older person today. All I want is to sit on a bench by myself, listening to music, looking at the sky and taking in all of the colors and textures around me. I feel the breath of life fill every part of me, because I am a part of it. This world. It truly is something to marvel and revel in. I feel myself feeling good here. And, suddenly, I find that I am tired and ready to be in my bed sleeping. For the first time in awhile, I want all of tomorrow, not just the last half.

Completely,

Laura