103 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I’m thinking about everything and it’s too much. I have a lot to be excited about and I have a number of things causing some compression that feels very restricting. I like to keep in mind that everything cannot happen all at once and this is a good thing!

Despite my resistance to writing more in-depth about my experiences at this time, I do want to acknowledge that I am learning a lot. It’s a coming together of the old ways, the my ways, potential ways and the paths to exploring new directions or taking the time to explore the full space of where I am. I don’t know why there’s always this sense of wanting to always be moving, yet also wanting to do nothing and find contentment in where I am. I am aware that more practice and time spent on the latter is often how I am able to move myself with less physical effort.

Writing at night is a nice practice, but sometimes I can’t really tell if I’m making sense. I guess it doesn’t matter if it seemed to make sense at the time. Conversely, things can also not make sense at the time and make more sense later. That’s life in a nutshell. Who cares about making sense all the time, unless we’re actually talking about making sense as in feeling.

Everyday I’m here and I think I’m living, but everyday, a lot of living this way we do is incomprehensible. All of the things that are in my way are rising to the surface. It feels frustrating and negative.

I just saw a post about a cereal bar. Why? Why, should people put clothes on to go eat cereal not in front of a TV in a dark room? That’s the comfort and joy of cereal. The markup must be amazing on that business. And, what about the sounds of the whole experience? Opening the box. Wrestling with that plastic bag. The sound of the cereal hitting the bowl. Opening the milk container and pouring it over the cereal in a swirling motion or from high above or teetering over the side of the bowl. Delving the spoon through to scoop up that first bite. Reading the box, and crunching so loudly, you don’t even know what you’re reading. Transported. I guess there is something meditative about the experience. You’ve definitely reached a new state since you began the ritual. I understand, there’s something grounding and delightful about eating cereal, but I haven’t imagined the option of eating cereal in community with strangers. And, being so exposed while experiencing what has always felt like private time to myself. It’s why God made cereal so crunchy. So that it just makes sense to everyone that it’s okay and righteous to do some things, some meal alone whether anyone else is present or not.

An evil thought pops into my head that goes something like this: I guess it was only a matter of time before we exhausted other parts of the world of all the superfoods and now it’s time to exploit and drive up the prices on the most affordable American foods, so that people who rely this food as a staple can no longer afford it…

On a more positive and potentially lucrative note, just think about what this means — smack ramen and tater to bars. Ten years from now, someone will be studying these businesses and will potentially want to hypothesize this new weird breed of businesses as spawning from the legalization of marijuana. #munchies #marketing. Right now, if someone besides me is reading this, what I’m making up on this page right now is a valid opportunity to cater to a new market. It would be such a fun job to map that customer journey and create the various customer profiles.

Okay, I gotta go. Sorry for the weird, not so uplifting attitude. I don’t think I intend to be mean-spirited or judgmental. Moreso, just an impromptu examination of something I do not understand that started off entertaining and was brought into the realm of absurdity by me. I don’t regret it and I enjoyed letting this comedic assessment come through. It made me laugh and then think. And, something about that feels different in a way that feels like success.

Everything is horribly hilarious and terrifically terrible.

Absurdly and completely,

Laura

102 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. It’s a strange summer, I’m not really getting out there and enjoying it for some odd reason. Sure, work is busy and I’m tired, but that means I should be spending all of my free time at a lake or lounging around outside! I mean…work hard lounge hard, right?!

I have to get out of here!!! I can’t wait.

Completely,

Laura

101 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. You know, I either give myself too much credit or not enough credit for the amount of thinking and pondering I do. It’s important work. Each day I come here to write and post, I think to myself about how I’m not writing enough and / or not writing anything worth reading. I guess this is part of how I write my book. I know I will eventually buckle down and get started, but I have a lot of learning to do that I wasn’t aware of when I started this project.

The project has been with me all of my life, but I only put some structure underneath it four years ago.

I will keep going, but for now, buenas noches…

Completely,

Laura

100 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I don’t really have much to say and I don’t have a lot of time to write, but I need to stop and write a post everyday to keep up with my sadhana. It is important to keep up even when I’m not feeling it and I don’t have the energy to really tune-in the way that makes me feel best. It’s still beneficial to honor my commitment to myself.

It doesn’t seem like I have accomplished much with this sadhana, but I’m retraining my brain and body that there doesn’t always have to be immediate gratification or an end goal. My mind, heart and body have gotten twisted up into our achievement based culture. It’s not all bad, but it can be way overly exhausting and puts me a state of numbness. I become one of those zombies. Like a shell of something that looks like a person, but you can tell it’s not at all. Haha.

21 days of this sadhana remaining! I’ve been thinking about my next sadhana and I think I want to try something less grandiose, but really starts building up my daily well-being. Maybe 40 days of getting proper sleep…it seems so unrealistic, but it would be so amazing! Maybe 40 days of going to sleep around 10-10:30pm, drinking more water, 30 mins of exercise everyday and an 11 min meditation (or continue with Sobagh Kriya). Start with 40 days and see how it goes…knowing I really plan to do 120 and beyond, because these are the most basic things. The most basic things that have been the most difficult for me to commit to and integrate into my lifestyle consistently. Soon. All of this is happening.

I need a haircut…but I want to try something different because I need a refreshed look for myself and my life.

Completely,

Laura

99 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day.

Completely,

Laura

98 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I can’t remember what I was writing about yesterday, but I have no idea if it makes any sense. I’m excited to get to sleep! I noticed something during my prosperity meditation. Prosperity isn’t always about something more or something gained. I think prosperity is about non-excess and alignment more than “getting” something or everything I want. Or, perhaps it’s the specific kind of prosperity that I am experiencing at this time. It was a cool realization and made me physically and mentally feel good. I haven’t been ready for this kind of prosperity because I wasn’t expecting it, nor was it even in my awareness, this form of prosperity. I had been interpreting it as something else, more along the lines of a purge and a new start. I’ll have to sit with this some more to continue to understand and pursue and receive.

Completely,

Laura

97 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I just got enveloped in a moment of compassion for myself. I can’t help who I am and am not. Everything feels really difficult right now. I have multiple understandings about why and I trust that it’s all fine and necessary. Just this moment I have this sense about how sometimes when I work so hard I work against myself. Also, the more I realize how much I don’t actually care or value the things I think I’m supposed to, the harder I work to hide my lack. Sometimes it feels nice to be home alone and admit that I don’t care. About anything aside from the things I do care about. It’s not really a rebellion. It’s just that I cannot care about too much all at once. And sometimes the sentiment of, “I don’t care,” physically feels just as good as the sentiment of, “I love you.” No energetic holds attached. Just a simple acknowledgement of a felt truth.

Finding I don’t care can feel pretty terrible and it can also feel quite amazing. Who cares either way? Probably me, I’m sure. Right now, it’s all about getting the funk out. Doesn’t matter what it is. Classified funk to junk. Moving on. Moving on. Midlife crisis, maybe. No. Midlife rises, yes. That’s it. That’s now. Only so much time to do what I came to do. Time to give up now. You know what that means. This blanket of time in the frame. It’s time to suspend for another script. A whole new cast and set. Or, perhaps a the same set, the same cast, but a new act. Who cares? I don’t know, not me.

Finding boundaries and becoming aware can be so harsh at first. What’s happening here is the innate desire to find connection to what I do care about. It shifts and evolves and while this is good, it doesn’t feel good to lose my connection and orientation. This is what I mean when I say I cannot help who I am. It sounds so whiny and dramatic, but I have to sit with all of it and write through it. The hard parts for other people never really seem that hard, because most of the time they are written and shared in retrospect.

I am holding on and trying hard to not let it all fall out. None of it is that bad, but it’s not that good either. Not not so bad and not so good enough to keep hanging on. There are natural processes for humans that we don’t really acknowledge enough to include them as part of healthcare or daily life, even though they profoundly affect how we interact with ourselves and others. Instead we disclaim, caveat and excuse who and why we are. I say we, but really mean me. I disclaim, caveat and excuse who I am, because I often don’t want to commit or be accountable. This is something that is changing and must change as part of the process of writing a book. At some point, no one else cares equally as much as I don’t care and the truth is I do care, but I haven’t cared or been brave enough to express it while standing out in the open. I can’t say I’m excited to post this, but I am tired of editing, waiting and containing. Physically exhausted and uninterested in working thoughts and sentences over and over to find a lighter way to express them, so I don’t come off as negative.

The truth is that I experience a lot of negativity. Initially, my mind always tunes into assess what isn’t right or could be better. I’m trying to find my way and how best I can contribute. That’s all it is. I know this. Yet, I still get worried that I am extremely negative compared to others. I can’t help who I am. Although, i do think that awareness and practice can help re-train my brain and have more compassion for myself. Sometimes, it’s less about changing and more about giving myself a break.

I am really tired suddenly and I’m not sure if anything I’ve written above is coherent, but it felt good to write. Doesn’t matter that it’s not very good, kind of fragmented and incomplete. Who cares? Right now, not me. Tomorrow, definitely me.

Completely,

Laura

96 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Today was my first summer day. I went to one of my favorite spots and sat by the water. I finished Still Writing by Dani Shapiro (finally) and returned it on time to the library. It took me a long time to finish reading it, but I enjoyed it at my own pace and the parts I read today seemed like they hit me at the perfect time. I found several points of synchronicity with what I’ve been experiencing in my thoughts and writing. It’s wonderful how life is.

Reading about writing and the lives and minds of writers feels comforting and helpful. I realize the humor of reading about writing instead of writing, but it is a legitimate investment of my time and energy. It calms and recharges me. I am reminded of me and that I like me despite how much I struggle.

There’s a lot more that goes into writing a book. I knew that much, but I didn’t know what or how it would be for me. I trust that this work that I am doing now is necessary and relevant. It’s all happening, if I will just let it. I must get out of my own way or get fully in my own way so that I am aligned rather than covering myself up. I definitely prefer to be covered. It’s why a book makes sense with its cover. I think it’s also why there are some other thoughts I’ve been noticing about how and where the writing gets into the world.

Separate of that internal conversation, I am also noticing how I want to do everything myself and I imagine that something unique and interesting is going to come up for me or the work. I know I will figure it out, listen and understand and eventually ask for the help I need when it’s all ready to be executed. It’s odd to be writing about this out loud and so publicly, but I have to keep going. I can’t pretend that I don’t need some accountability and encouragement.

It’s time…

Completely,

Laura

95 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Yay Friday. I have everything in my head and nothing in my heart. It feels disorienting and fragile. Yes, life ebbs and flows and maybe what I’m learning is that there are different kinds of ebbs and flows, and that there is a slow-forming loveliness that comes with the ebbs. When life goes too fast and gets too busy, exhaustion takes over and my somatic defense is numbness and resistance to anything and everything obligatory. This is where my hate lives and bubbles over. I don’t like admitting or feeling that I have hate in me, but I do hate when I am cut off from myself. It’s the worst feeling and I cannot function nor do I want to function in that condition. I isolate and avoid others when I’m feeling dysfunctional and not true self. Sometimes I just shut down despite my intention to recharge and reboot.

The more I learn about the way that I work and don’t work. The more I become aware of what formal education ought to be. Formal education ought to be centered around learning ourselves physically and energetically or intuitively. It can be easy to find the line or the boundary of where I am and where I want to be, but if the angle is off we’ll miss the point. Or, if I neglect to understand the geometry, I won’t make it. This is me, this is us, so often in life. Just think about what happens when pilots and sea captains are off fractions of a degree. It feels so good to be moving in a direction that looks pretty close, sometimes I simply need to be moving in order to find my way. Other times, I absolutely need to be still to see where I am and get specific and precise in order to go and get there because I know I can.

It’s hard to be honest about the things in life that I physically feel hate about, but I wonder if it’s all just energetics and me needing to learn more about how to understand my body as an instrument versus a part of me or my identity. What’s coming to mind isn’t quite translatable to words at the moment, but it’s something like keeping the channels or air ways open and clear — yet, not letting dust or foreign frequencies come through. Each of us has a number of things that we know we must do in order to keep the channels open and clear so that we can share our expression without imploding. I need and want to eat better, stretch and strengthen daily to keep my body in-tune with my own intentions and frequency. I also need to sleep more, but that’s proving to be a challenge because I think I enjoy writing at night. Night time is calmer and more spacious.

It’s nice to write. Even when what’s landing on the page is uncomfortable and kind of weird.

Completely,

Laura

94 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I have not been feeling well. I want to feel like me again. Writing sans energy humbles me. Without energy, my writing and I lack substance and vibrance — it’s painful to be both the subject and the witness. To sleep. Is all.

Completely,

Laura

93 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day.

Completely,

Laura

92 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I am synching up with the importance of timing and the need for the story to unfold on its own. Learning how to not be afraid to follow it wherever it may flow or pause.

Completely,

Laura

91 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Did I really treat it like a new day? No, not really. Tomorrow…

Completely.

Laura

90 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. It’s the end and the beginning of the month again. It’s summer, but it’s a different kind of summer for me this year. I am not going to comment on what it feels like just yet, I’m curious to see what happens. Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty lazy about writing on the blog. It feels so lame to only be writing a few hesitant sentences. All good. There are other things that are taking priority at this time and that’s okay.

It’s late, I must get to sleep…

Completely,

Laura

89 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I have been laying low today in recovery mode understanding what I have done to myself. I don’t think I will do that again. I lost my boundaries and it depleted me so much I wasn’t here, I was gone. It really goes against who I am and the experience I truly want. I’m not really a hustler and it’s not something I aim to be. My aspirations are pointed toward non-excess vs everything + more abundance. It’s not the way that I always want to be or am trying to be. It’s what’s true for me. It can feel embarrassingly uncomfortable and demoralizing to be so out of place and uninterested. I’m hopeful that part of the contraction and separation I’m experiencing is being caused by embodying a point of destruction : point of creation. It’s depressing and exciting in every realm.

More often than not, I know what I feel and that makes me know that I know what I know. Depression and excitement are just feelings or points of awareness to me. We know deep down where they come from and every part of why if we are willing to take even just a moment to consider. I imagine that depression is quite likely, my body and spirit desperately asking me to grow. To expand and create more space for myself to have greater freedom of movement and thinking. This is the word of God. You know, those are just the words that came next, so I wrote them and am not deleting them. I think sometimes I can understand God, religion and religious practices when I experience them in my writing and meditation practices. This is how I come to know things for myself without doubt. I know what I believe and I believe what I know. And, I know I believe that what I know and believe is not static or empirical, because it’s all energy and energy itself transforms and is transformative.

Everything I’m noticing points in all directions with a shared motion. Out in space. Out of place. I know. I know. Infinitely, I know. I am here. Here I am. I am. I am.

Completely,

Laura

88 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. OMG I was not here today. I am overtired and the severity of my lack of rest just hit me this afternoon. I felt so tired nothing was making sense and I just didn’t care about anything and I wanted to give up, but it was just my body feeling desperate for a real break. I’m going to keep it short, but the cool part was that I just allowed my body to do what it needed to do in the moment. I cried. My body needed a release and to be acknowledged. Luckily, I was surrounded by a few wonderful people and I immediately felt better and not terribly embarrassed. It was a good thing. For my body and for all of me to be reminded of how grateful I am to have good people in my life…and that sometimes I try too hard and am too harsh with myself or my approach.

Completely,

Laura

87 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Do you ever get blessed with a sense of clarity about how there isn’t much that is as long lasting and permanent as we imagine a majority of the time? I almost fell asleep without writing. It would have been okay if I did miss a post. I can just start over. 

Ha! I wrote this last night and forgot to publish it....

Completely, 

Laura

86 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I’m off to bed, but not before I acknowledge how much I’ve been negotiating with myself. Currently,  I am a robot. And, not a very good one. 

Completely, 

Laura

85 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Living a conscious life is so challenging. I think I recall myself living a very conscious life as a child. I was better at it then, than I am now. At this life stage, practicing conscious living in the way that I know it to be most beneficial to me, involves setting both myself and others aside on this plane to find, understand and embody purpose.

Ultimately, I find myself in conversation with myself about what I could have done or can do better. It’s never a clean break , though. Or, at least not yet, but I have to admit that I enjoy and appreciate myself more often and more fully than ever before.

I have so much to say, but not here. Not now. Things are always in motion and happening…

Completely,

Laura

84 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Yesterday, I wrote a little bit about honesty. I had to write in my notebook for a little while. I can’t be honest on this page right now, because it would be too funny.

This is [the parody of] us.

It is mostly comical and humbling, but also depressing and isolating.

When we catch a glimpse of the infinite in any direction we are blessed and cursed with greater awareness.

I ate an apple today. It was delicious. But not Delicious.

Completely,

Laura