95 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Yay Friday. I have everything in my head and nothing in my heart. It feels disorienting and fragile. Yes, life ebbs and flows and maybe what I’m learning is that there are different kinds of ebbs and flows, and that there is a slow-forming loveliness that comes with the ebbs. When life goes too fast and gets too busy, exhaustion takes over and my somatic defense is numbness and resistance to anything and everything obligatory. This is where my hate lives and bubbles over. I don’t like admitting or feeling that I have hate in me, but I do hate when I am cut off from myself. It’s the worst feeling and I cannot function nor do I want to function in that condition. I isolate and avoid others when I’m feeling dysfunctional and not true self. Sometimes I just shut down despite my intention to recharge and reboot.

The more I learn about the way that I work and don’t work. The more I become aware of what formal education ought to be. Formal education ought to be centered around learning ourselves physically and energetically or intuitively. It can be easy to find the line or the boundary of where I am and where I want to be, but if the angle is off we’ll miss the point. Or, if I neglect to understand the geometry, I won’t make it. This is me, this is us, so often in life. Just think about what happens when pilots and sea captains are off fractions of a degree. It feels so good to be moving in a direction that looks pretty close, sometimes I simply need to be moving in order to find my way. Other times, I absolutely need to be still to see where I am and get specific and precise in order to go and get there because I know I can.

It’s hard to be honest about the things in life that I physically feel hate about, but I wonder if it’s all just energetics and me needing to learn more about how to understand my body as an instrument versus a part of me or my identity. What’s coming to mind isn’t quite translatable to words at the moment, but it’s something like keeping the channels or air ways open and clear — yet, not letting dust or foreign frequencies come through. Each of us has a number of things that we know we must do in order to keep the channels open and clear so that we can share our expression without imploding. I need and want to eat better, stretch and strengthen daily to keep my body in-tune with my own intentions and frequency. I also need to sleep more, but that’s proving to be a challenge because I think I enjoy writing at night. Night time is calmer and more spacious.

It’s nice to write. Even when what’s landing on the page is uncomfortable and kind of weird.

Completely,

Laura