89 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I have been laying low today in recovery mode understanding what I have done to myself. I don’t think I will do that again. I lost my boundaries and it depleted me so much I wasn’t here, I was gone. It really goes against who I am and the experience I truly want. I’m not really a hustler and it’s not something I aim to be. My aspirations are pointed toward non-excess vs everything + more abundance. It’s not the way that I always want to be or am trying to be. It’s what’s true for me. It can feel embarrassingly uncomfortable and demoralizing to be so out of place and uninterested. I’m hopeful that part of the contraction and separation I’m experiencing is being caused by embodying a point of destruction : point of creation. It’s depressing and exciting in every realm.

More often than not, I know what I feel and that makes me know that I know what I know. Depression and excitement are just feelings or points of awareness to me. We know deep down where they come from and every part of why if we are willing to take even just a moment to consider. I imagine that depression is quite likely, my body and spirit desperately asking me to grow. To expand and create more space for myself to have greater freedom of movement and thinking. This is the word of God. You know, those are just the words that came next, so I wrote them and am not deleting them. I think sometimes I can understand God, religion and religious practices when I experience them in my writing and meditation practices. This is how I come to know things for myself without doubt. I know what I believe and I believe what I know. And, I know I believe that what I know and believe is not static or empirical, because it’s all energy and energy itself transforms and is transformative.

Everything I’m noticing points in all directions with a shared motion. Out in space. Out of place. I know. I know. Infinitely, I know. I am here. Here I am. I am. I am.

Completely,

Laura