83 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Honesty is crucial to writing and especially the process of writing a book. I don’t think I’m there in the ways needed but I am certainly working through it, slowly. I’ve been watching Who’s The Boss and it is such an amazing show. I loved it growing up and love it even more at this age. The storyline and the characters are so fun, and more progressive than I realized for 1984.

I’m finding it interesting that I have less desire to go in-depth with my daily post with this #120daysadhana intended to keep me in the process of learning how to write a book. There is a lot happening that makes it on the physical page but not the virtual page. Whatever is happening here, I have to believe that it is part of howI write my book, even though I haven’t got a lot, if anything in terms of a manuscript.

I think I am learning and practicing on different levels that are all valid and necessary, and there are indicators that there will be a practice that I will be practicing without the public daily tracking. Eventually, I won’t even need to challenge or track myself, I will just go and do. And, that will be different and inspiring in a grounded and peaceful way.

Completely,

Laura

82 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I wrote in my notebook rather than a blog post.

Completely,

Laura

81 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I am looking forward to the weekend! I have some “me” fun planned and am hoping I can do something fun with my daughter at some point. 

Tomorrow is the Summer Solstice already — amazing how fast it came up. 

i am very tired. 

Completely, 

Laura  

80 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I was thinking about something interesting earlier, but I can’t remember what it was. Everything is good. It’s very busy everyday lately. I am staying up too late right now. I can’t really get into anything right now, but I’ve been having some really great conversations with friends and co-workers. So awesome and inspiring!

Time to meditate and get to sleep. Next week I will be working on getting on a better schedule.

Completely,

Laura

79 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Indeed. Funny things happen when I try to go to fast in life or I’m getting too far away from myself.

Going to meditate and get some rest.

Completely,

Laura

78 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. It’s a full moon today, so I did my full moon practice and it turned out to be really enjoyable and productive. There’s something about pausing and reflecting on what’s good. I also going back to a particular time in my notebooks to see what was happening around the new moon and what is happening now.

It is the full moon in Sagittarius and the new moon in Sagittarius was on December 6, 2018. At that time, I hadn’t officially started my moon practice yet, so each time I go back to read what was happening at the time of the new moon I don’t necessarily have any specific intentions recorded. However, there always seems to be some indication of what I was working on and anything significant that was happening at the time.

Funny how so much happens in a day, a week, a month, a year and how some things continue to be in process for long periods of time…lifetimes within lifetimes.

I have really great people in my life. I am so happy that I have some solid relationships with people that I love. There’s still a lot that I am learning about relationships. It’s interesting and humbling. I am very compassionate and empathetic, but not always in the ways that are desired or needed by others. I’ll be honest, I am often failing at basic things that build relationships of all kinds, so I appreciate the people who are willing to understand my challenges and current way of being. It’s a combination of trying and also allowing myself to be the way I am and sharing my values and why they may differ. All the love and no excuses to all my loves.

I love this song + video, and this one, too.

Completely,

Laura

77 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I’m more interested in writing in my notebook today than here. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed spending time with my daughter.

Completely,

Laura

76 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Last night I got home late after catching up with a couple of friends. An important part of writing a book is spending time with good people. It just makes me feel good about everything and I love listening to how others are experiencing life and living.

Tonight we went to go see my daughter’s bestie dance and it was so amazing! Very inspiring and beautiful. Made me want to get in shape and wish I could dance.

This is a weak post. It was kind of a busy day, so now I am ready for meditation and sleeeeeep…

Completely,

Laura

75 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day.

Completely,

Laura

74 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Yesterday, I said a weird thing to my friend: “Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m just not very smart or if there’s just a lot of stuff that I really don’t care about.”

Human life is funny.

Absurd in an absurdist way that can only be enjoyed by the absurd.

What matters?

Everything and nothing.

Only you.

Each and every.

Who cares?

Me.

Always and never.

Probably sometimes.

Completely,

Laura

73 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. And, sometimes the world and my life feel a little better at the end of the day when I’ve done my meditation and I’ve done my best to not let anything in the way of me being a source of goodness throughout the the day regardless of to whom or to what without any reason why, so I can come home and enjoy the soundtrack of my day. Sometimes a day feels like my whole life, so my soundtrack is important. My soundtrack is all the sounds I choose, including the sound of my own thoughts and my own voice, and then inevitably Bon Iver, almost always.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved any music more than the sound of my own self in harmony in my thoughts, words and movement, but I have never been able to make my own music song using instruments the way musicians do. Thank God for the musicians. They help us hear our own song.

Today, I felt a little more like I can remember some things I was needing to remember. I am gratful.

Completely,

Laura

72 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. My daughter and I started watching Who’s The Boss and it’s so fun to watch it again. She said she likes it and it’s her new show. I didn’t remember that Angela Bauer was an advertising executive. Mona is the best! I don’t think I realized how progressive it was when I watched it growing up.

I’m so fascinated by TV and film. How do those writers do it? It seems like such an interesting process. I think that my favorite stories and characters are the ones that seem the simplest. The way that I understand simple is that I have to understand the complexities in order to convey believable simplicity.

It’s one of my weaknesses that I have to work through lots of layers and overthink everything in order to know what I believe is right. I get frustrated by my tendency as much as I sense that others may be frustrated with my need to take time, think things through and then take more time. Maybe I take longer to get to the same place or maybe I question more than necessary. It’s not a trait that feels positive, but it does feel necessary.

It’s really just a part of my creative process of being. It’s a real thing. It may start to evolve if I do a better job of accepting it and working with it rather than allowing it to feel like a weakness. Creative process is one of my primary interests in life.

The thing that fascinates me about my day job and TV / Film writing is how a team of people comes together to develop and produce creative. I like seeing how an individual processes and connects with an idea and some objectives. Especially so quickly and in collaboration with several groups of stakeholders across multiple organizations. These are quick people. They get it. And, if they don’t get it, they get that and do the quick work of creating clarity on what has and hasn’t been gotten.

I never know where I am as all of everything else is happening around me. There is some idea that I am just here to help in whatever capacity I can. For a long time, I’ve seen myself as more of an invisible force or behind the scenes doer type person. I think that’s still accurate, but I’ve also become aware that there are some spaces and times where I feel like I am where I am more wholly. I like that I have a continuous flow of learning and practicing with my various roles in advertising, energy work, writing and parenting.

Part of this process of writing a book is finding my way and really accepting the creative process with a sense of adventure and appreciation. As I get closer and closer to what I’m working toward, I realize more and more how much my progress with writing is intertwined with my process of becoming.

Completely,

Laura

71 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I don’t have time to write today, but everything is great aside from the fact that I am feeling extremely out of shape and weak. Next sadhana is all about being good to my body. Working out, proper nutrition and sleep. I cannot live this way. I feel disgusting and irritable everyday. Gross.

It will be awesome to push myself to see what I can do!

Completely,

Laura

70 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I haven’t been feeling the blog posting I’ve been doing with this sadhana. I’ve been treating it more like filtered morning pages. It’s so boring and kind of painful!!! To some degree, I even wonder whether or not I’m even getting anything out of writing a post each day. Yes, there’s something to be said about showing up each day, but there’s also something or perhaps, nothing to be said about going through the motions.

The truth is there is a lot going on in my internal world. There is so much going on that it’s been a bit challenging. It’s just the ugly magic or beautifully cursed reality of living in this world that makes me feel so much love and hate. I love so much about it. I have to admit that I have hate in me. Everyday I hate so much about the way we all live. It’s equally and relatively disgusting and miserable as it is charming and lovable. It’s a lot for me to admit that I feel hate and anger. I feel love more steadily and more vastly and deeply, and that feels so good, but it seems that I cannot disregard the utter disappointment I feel for some specific parts of the co-created experience and reality.

Yesterday, I had some sense about what it is that I am going through right now and it was the notion of expanding or becoming in layers. My mental, emotional and spiritual awareness has expanded exponentially and continues to grow. It feels like I’ve encountered some crusty layer that is obstructing my ability to move freely and expand. Expansion is different now. It’s not expansion as exploration led by one part first anymore. It seems that eventually expansion happens in unison with all parts of the self and in tandem. Eventually, the mind meets a boundary it cannot get beyond and it becomes clear that long-term physical changes are required. These are all the things that feel detrimental because I’m not doing them and understand that I must embrace and master them for real without an end date.

It’s all part of what I’m learning. It’s frustrating and embarrassing that I often succumb to the downward spiral many times over before I find my clear path to taking action. It takes me so long and I complain so much mostly inside but sometimes out loud. I get so annoyed with all of my negative, indifferent and positive selves that I end up fighting me every step of the way. It’s dumb. It’s a waste of time and energy. It’s amazing what is happening within as I am taking action on other things and other work. Below the surface there is a whole other universe. This means that there is a whole other realm of potential and possibility. So…I guess that’s where I’m at. Stuck or preferring to hide in some other realm of potential and possibility, because it is often the place I discover everything I know. I realize that I just let it all hang out. It needed some air…

Completely,

Laura

69 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. It’s late and I am tired. I had a super fun friend date and got to go see Dear Evan Hansen. It was really fun. The guy who played the lead had such a beautiful voice. How amazing would it be to have the imagination and skill to write, produce and direct a play.

I just want to make something.

I’m going to go to sleep and dream some dreams.

Completely,

Laura

68 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Today was cool. It’s fun to see people in their element in their work. I want to be like that. I do love my work, but I don’t feel like it’s my first or second nature and there are so many people who are faster and better. It’s not about comparing, but I think I’ve always known that I am really not good at a lot of things and not often the smartest person in the room. I don’t really need to be good at everything or be the smartest person in the room, but I do want to be amongst experienced masters of something and brilliant beings. I like being a part of a team. I want to be the best, but be the best together. Being the best alone may be impressive, but it also seems boring, isolating and like an additional full-time job on top of everything.

I think I feel happy when everyone else is happy.

I’m tired and tomorrow is an important day that I’m not quite prepared for.

Completely,

Laura

67 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I haven’t started to feel like my Summer self just yet, it’s a slow process this year. Summer is the best. This year it feels like my body has been stuck in cold and rainy weather mode for so long, it isn’t sure if it’s safe to let go.

I have some thoughts in my mind but they are preliminary thoughts that are not ready for sharing. They are good thoughts, but I’m still thinking them through!

Sometimes I feel as if working on a computer everyday is literally killing me. It’s the frequencies required by the electronics that distract and interfere with my physiology. I have no proof other than it’s just what it feels like to me and that I trust my own experience. I don’t believe as much constant research and validation is needed outside my own experience.

I think it is also true that I can build up my energetic field and systems in order to decrease the effect. Eating well, hydrating and exercising are more important than ever, it seems. For me, it is also specifically my hands that I need to be mindful of and protect.

Time to get off the computer for the day.

Completely,

Laura

66 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. It was a busy day! I haven’t quite unwound from my work day. It takes a fair amount of time to shift gears. This is why evening meditation feels so beneficial to me. It really helps me take a break and clear my brain before I go to sleep.

It is quite late so I must go to sleep, but I wanted to take a moment to write even though I really have nothing to say or even think. I feel good. I’m excited for summer but haven’t planned anything for us to do, so that feels a little unsettling and also okay. Summer is quite nice in MN, but it’s also so nice to get away. I want to bring my daughter to visit some different cities and college campuses, so I’ve also been thinking about short trips here and there versus a longer vacation. Although, a longer vacation is always so lovely

It can be a challenge to balance the needs vs wants as a family. Mostly, I think I would just like to spend some time with my kiddo and maybe even take a spa staycation here just to lounge and get refreshed. Something to look forward to!

Alright, good to be feeling grateful about the day and optimistic about vacation!

Completely,

Laura

65 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. In terms of the intention of this sadhana, I’ve been slowly chipping away at making notecards —

Wait. I have to interrupt myself. I’m listening to one of the new Bon Iver tracks U (Man Like) and I was reminded of my fascination about the art of songwriting and music composition. I’d love to learn more about how different musicians end of making their music. I had a thought about how one musician can come up with all the pieces or the framework of a new song and that they may figure out what musician and instrument they need to hear more and more of the song. Other times, something comes out of just jammin’ with another musician and then it’s a matter of working through creating the pieces and layering and weaving them together.

Music is so dope.

Sometimes I can’t tell if I work better independently or with a partner. I think it would be fun to have a creative partner and a fitness buddy. It’s fun to collaborate and make progress alone together. I haven’t been feeling much of anything lately. Feeling disconnected from creativity and my sense of well-being. It’s been weird and I don’t enjoy feeling so dull and disinterested in making progress with my important projects. I was thinking about how I sometimes struggle to project manage my own projects. Lack of sleep is a major contributor to the way I am feeling lately. Fingers crossed the fog will lift soon and I will enjoy rising early to workout.

Writing daily blogposts is feeling good, even if they are being written like morning pages—first order thinking, aren’t edited and serve as my attempt to just to keep going.

Time for sleep!

Completely,

Laura

64 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I have a theory that working on a computer for most of the day is making my mental capacity increasingly narrow. While I realize that “there is no such thing as multitasking.” I do notice that I often either get fixated on something or struggle to focus in a way that is affecting my attention to details. Also, because there is always so much going on i really lose myself and am not as in tune with my non-work related to dos and priorities.

I do not suppose that this applies to everyone, because I see that others do not struggle with the same things i do. However, I do wonder if others are noticing negative patterns developing that feel related to working on a computer and phone for some much of the day.

There’s something so great about being able to remain in one place and accomplish so much, but I think my body and mind also miss the old days of working in a restaurant where the job entailed physical movement and more casual human interaction. I developed poor eating habits while working in restaurants, though. I eat too fast because I grew accustomed to eating quickly when I could rather than sitting down and enjoying my meal. It annoys me that I am so mindless about something so basic and enjoyable. I do not always have the patience to allow / force myself to slow down.

Today is the new moon in Gemini! Excerpt from Soulshine Astrology:

The New Moon in Gemini on June 3rd will be amazing for setting fresh intentions on how you would like to create more comfort, support, and a feeling of security in your personal life over the next 6 months. The intentions you set on this New Moon will come full circle by the Full Moon in Gemini on December 11, 2019, so be sure to close your eyes and take a moment to envision where you would like your life & career to be by then.

I’m going to take some time to meditate and work with these insights for connecting with my New Moon intentions.

I worked on some notecards over the weekend and have been mentally, physically and spiritually obsessing about my progress with the research phase. I am thinking about getting a board to lay out a timeline for my goals, so I am reminded of where I am and where I want to be.

Completely,

Laura