70 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I haven’t been feeling the blog posting I’ve been doing with this sadhana. I’ve been treating it more like filtered morning pages. It’s so boring and kind of painful!!! To some degree, I even wonder whether or not I’m even getting anything out of writing a post each day. Yes, there’s something to be said about showing up each day, but there’s also something or perhaps, nothing to be said about going through the motions.

The truth is there is a lot going on in my internal world. There is so much going on that it’s been a bit challenging. It’s just the ugly magic or beautifully cursed reality of living in this world that makes me feel so much love and hate. I love so much about it. I have to admit that I have hate in me. Everyday I hate so much about the way we all live. It’s equally and relatively disgusting and miserable as it is charming and lovable. It’s a lot for me to admit that I feel hate and anger. I feel love more steadily and more vastly and deeply, and that feels so good, but it seems that I cannot disregard the utter disappointment I feel for some specific parts of the co-created experience and reality.

Yesterday, I had some sense about what it is that I am going through right now and it was the notion of expanding or becoming in layers. My mental, emotional and spiritual awareness has expanded exponentially and continues to grow. It feels like I’ve encountered some crusty layer that is obstructing my ability to move freely and expand. Expansion is different now. It’s not expansion as exploration led by one part first anymore. It seems that eventually expansion happens in unison with all parts of the self and in tandem. Eventually, the mind meets a boundary it cannot get beyond and it becomes clear that long-term physical changes are required. These are all the things that feel detrimental because I’m not doing them and understand that I must embrace and master them for real without an end date.

It’s all part of what I’m learning. It’s frustrating and embarrassing that I often succumb to the downward spiral many times over before I find my clear path to taking action. It takes me so long and I complain so much mostly inside but sometimes out loud. I get so annoyed with all of my negative, indifferent and positive selves that I end up fighting me every step of the way. It’s dumb. It’s a waste of time and energy. It’s amazing what is happening within as I am taking action on other things and other work. Below the surface there is a whole other universe. This means that there is a whole other realm of potential and possibility. So…I guess that’s where I’m at. Stuck or preferring to hide in some other realm of potential and possibility, because it is often the place I discover everything I know. I realize that I just let it all hang out. It needed some air…

Completely,

Laura