67 of #100daychallenge: lone stars

Sometimes I just do not want to share what I have to say and write. Not everything needs to be said out loud. Or heard. There’s something sacred about the things we voluntarily and peacefully savor for ourselves.

I love to be alone. With my imagination. And with music. I think I’ve figured something out for myself that makes life feel a lot better. I know that I’m always alone and not alone. I’m only and always with me.

I also love to be alone in a space and frequency where I can connect with others. When I was younger, I think I had a different perception and expectation of what it is to be “together” or “connected” with other. I’ve found that the best feeling of connection is when I’m with one person or a group of people and we are each fully with ourselves sharing the space. No need to claim, overlap or meld.

This applies to parenting, too. It has been helpful to start opening up a space for my daughter and I. She’s such a wonderful, interesting and funny person. I feel happy and learn so much more from her when I’ve given her enough space to be herself.

Today’s drawings are not so great. They’re kind of pathetic in a funny way.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

bad hair + drawing day…

66 of #100daychallenge: believe

I don’t have a lot to say today.

I just have some simple expressions to share that are not meant to address the complexities of life.

Above, below and through everything, these are always with me.

Steadfast. True.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

We are here for each other. To learn. To grow. To make a better experience for ourselves and future generations. Steadfast.

65 of #100daychallenge: justice

Believe me.

We are each fully equipped with our own internal justice system.

The only justice system that matters is the one that is inseparable from who we are.

The body knows.

That tape will never stop running.

In that dark room in your mind.

You can’t stand to walk by it.

Or, to imagine the scenes being played out on the screen.

Not only that, the sounds, tastes and visceral senses that materialize even just thinking about that thing you did or said or thought.

You know it was wrong.

You know where your intention was.

You know that someone was gravely damaged all the way through.

The spirit knows.

Yours and theirs.

And, the spirit energy that connects us.

You can never get away from you.

This is only the beginning.

Of what no one really wanted or wants to deal with.

But, when there is something that must be dealt with.

It has an energy of its own.

It’s not as scary or surprising.

It’s only a matter of time.

You knew, so you understand.

You would have to deal with it.

And, it was never a private matter, because you knew.

There is no misconstruing or denying the inner justice system.

We are all familiar with the power of the inner justice system.

It shows up like chronic pain or compulsive patterns that wear us down.

It drives us to be better or to try and hide or deny more.

It reminds us of that time in grade school when we excluded or called names.

It reminds us of some time when we were older and we took pleasure in being vindictive toward someone who we felt less than around.

It reminds us of a time when we knew we had more and we could have shared but we didn’t.

It reminds us of the mean thoughts we had about someone because we didn’t understand them.

It reminds us that we have been pretending to not know what we did.

It reminds us that we have been pretending that someone else wasn’t affected or probably forgot.

I’m having trouble participating.

The challenge is that more assaults have been triggered.

There is so much anger and hurt.

The composer’s song is not one I’m familiar with or creatively attuned or equipped to join.

I have to stay home to work on myself, because I am not perfect and I do not know what to do or how to help. I do feel it is my responsibility to understand my orientation to what is happening in the world and to take the time to be mindful of what I’m putting into the world. To be mindful of what I desire, do as my work, invest in and how I interact with others (I am often an avoider).

The fact that everything is driven by business and revenue is getting in the way of everything. We have no real leaders. Everyone is a business person and the stakes are much too high financially and brand-wise for anyone to take risks or even take the time to openly work toward something better. There is no one willing or able to lead our people and our country in the way needed right now.

If we want something better, we are going to have to sacrifice, choose to have less and put our money into services/products that are beneficial to ourselves, others and the environment. If we are unwilling to do the hard work of choosing less and being more specific, we will continue to sacrifice our own well-being as well as all of all future generations.

I say: I am not a nobody. I am an everybody. We’ve got a lot of ugly stuff coming to light right now, and it’s all important. We need to start making the individual changes that will start to shift our reality. I’m grateful for all of the people who are out there using their voices and standing up. I’m intimidated and motivated to do my own work, which starts with living in alignment with the vision I’d like to see us work toward. I think the everybody’s are the leaders if we want to be and we can commit to knowing our own impact and power.

This way and that way have not yet become aware they have become united and stuck in a quarry of disbelief and anger. Nothing can be done from that vantage point. Wisdom has been lost in place of systems and business. One way or another, it’s becoming clear that a time of great sacrifice is emerging.

64 of #100daychallenge: stories

Here I am. I am here. Like that one guy in the Bible. God has been looking for me, too. Sometimes, I am not here, so it helps my writing when I acknowledge that I am fully here and nowhere else. Although, sometimes I feel best when I am nowhere to be found.

We spread ourselves thin across what might be imagined as the depths and edges of our minds, bodies and the overall expansiveness of who we are. We want to be with ourselves. We want to know ourselves. We are trying to connect. To plug-in and know what’s what, where we are and why.

Sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m writing or if it makes any sense. This is what’s here today and I don’t question it or bypass it the way I used to. There is no harm letting the mind wander out into words of some form. None of it really matters anyway. It’s not necessary to hold myself accountable for all of the thoughts that show up. They each have some purpose, but I don’t always have the time or availability to follow them all the way through or trace them to some possible origin.

What’s true? I don’t know. I’m making this up or allowing it to materialize as I go. I’m not sure how we determine what’s true. We say there is a science, but we don’t all believe in science or in all of the methods or results. Science is fascinating and illuminates so much, but I’m not entirely sure we should accept it as truth or code for living life. Sometimes we can know things without having proof or to do an experiment. Speculation is not much different. My mind is so jumbled right now. This happens when I start drifting off into some place else and I’ve lost the thread. I don’t know what my point was or why I must always have a point and feel it should connect to something else within view.

Is it ever valuable to just imagine nothing really matters and that nothing is precious. And, sometimes, it is right and righteous to give the funk center stage, so I can see it in the light. Lately, the thoughts and the writing have had some shadows and I’ve been okay with it, but I also feel it would be nice to move on and away from them. The truth is that the shadows become the light eventually. It’s just a matter of time. Shadows show off the shape of what’s there. Ah, wait — shadows show my perspective. And, this is helpful, because I’m seeing I would like to shift my perspective, so now I can do so.

Everything can make some kind of sense, if I give it time and space and let it lead the way. Everything is indeed connected. We are not making connections so much as we are becoming aware and recognizing the connections that are already present.

There are lots of different connective tissues and threads between us. One of the most beloved ways we connect and are connected with each other is through stories.

I’m not so sure that stories are anything more than just a recognition of a revelation. We love storytelling and we want ownership and authorship of our stories. The stories are as true as they are fiction and as destructive as they are powerful. Point of creation. Point of destruction. Something died here. Something came into existence here. In the heart. In the mind. Out there.

Wherever the stories come from, they are just stories and we can learn from them, but we might benefit more if we let a story just be a story for anyone who can benefit from it.

I’ve thought a lot about the story of my life and there are a lot of stories I would not write about, because they are not just mine. There are a lot of stories out there that help the tellers and the listeners heal, but what I learned recently is that I don’t know how to share those kinds of stories.

I think I’m more interested in what happens in the imagination without resolve or editing. People and their imaginations are captivating. We are bigger than our stories. Our stories matter, but they do not make us. They help us find ourselves from time-to-time and connect with others. We are all okay without our stories. I have a whole existence that is separate of my lifetimes of stories. It’s how I know who I am, because I’m always here in every story. I haven’t so changed so much as I have become [aware].

I see. The masses of stories amongst the collective is sometimes what keeps us from ourselves and experiencing that which we are all so desperate to experience. There are no words. I know what I’m talking about. It’s closer to nothing than it is something.

Everything emerges. Nothing need be created. Life is about creation, but not in the way we are literally demanding it to be. We do not have time to wait and see. It’s an uncomfortable practice and live life. From hunters and gatherers to hunters and the hunted.

This may be true. In some way.

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Brightly,

Laura

63 of #100daychallenge: excessive

I think as I get older, my heart is overflowing with purpose and it makes me want to fill and spend all of my time purposefully. I am either going with purpose or avoiding it.

It reminds me of that thing that Oprah says about a Yes with a little bit of No in it simply being a No. It is transformative to put apply this clarification to daily life. Being real about the No’s is not easy, but it sure is more efficient!

We have a lot of choices it seems, but any choices that are not clearly connected or in the direction of purpose are just excess and distraction. Being real about purpose and distraction is also more efficient and rewarding!

In 2018, we are excessive. There is absolutely no doubt about this reality. More begets more. We may have choice and the ability to manifest “more” but we do not have choice and ability about the begotten more.

Just because I can, should I?

Just because I should, why should I?

The more I talk out loud, the more I realize that no one knows what I’m saying.

The more I write, the more I understand myself.

It’s less important to express specific things to specific people than it is to be expressive — to use all expression in our daily lives in everything we do.

To feel our own expression.

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Brightly,

Laura

62 of #100daychallenge: shape

Sometimes I feel as if I’m missing the forced structure of full-time employment. Each day is different and it feels precarious to be the owner of my days. I love it, though. I think what I am learning is that progress feels and looks different, it’s not so linear. Part of me imagines that there is something wrong with me and that I should be more regimented. The rest of me is just listening and going with what feels like the natural flow of what is happening at the present moment.

I’ve lived lifetimes of forcing myself to do things, go places, say things, not say things and ignore things. Whenever the body and spirit find an opening to come to the forefront and lead, they do — and they are a force to be reckoned with. Life is a lot of reckoning and the amount of time and energy I spend reckoning with the external, about others and about the future and the past, generally means I’ve not spent enough time reckoning with my whole self. Always last. And, only because I must in order to survive in some way.

Looking at things this way makes me realize that I’m still getting acquainted and acclimating to myself. It’s new to be going with life in my own direction versus attempting to blaze down a path or chug along toward some desired outcome.

The natural pace of life is in the stars and the seasons. It’s getting to be Fall and I feel the need for some fire in my belly. By that I mean, I desperately need to work out and strengthen my core. The core is where my power comes from and I can feel it is weak and that weakness spreads out through the rest of my system like poison. I feel disconnected and like I am not me.

This year has really been so much about seeing where I am and coming face-to-face with my weaknesses and boundaries in order to know what I can and must do to go beyond. It’s really rewarding and I’m grateful that I am here, but it also feels so challenging to know what I need to do without knowing exactly how and when. Some kind of humbling modern dance allowing myself to get caught up with me and remembering to reconnect with the rest of creation. The mastery of being your own creation within and part of the universal creation.

We can fit in many places within creation at any point in time, but allowing our own shape to form and continue to transform makes it tricky to feel the magnetic pull in any specific direction. We are becoming and becoming, yet we already are who we are. And part of what we must do is have the ability to show and share the shape of who we are with others, so they can see and understand us.

This is where I think communication gets interesting and indescribable. It’s the magic. To know and understand each other without really being able to put it into words that feel accurate and powerful enough. The sense that things have fallen into place and all is well. You see me and I see you and it’s a really good feeling. It feels like I don’t need anything from you and you don’t need anything from me, but the benefits of sensing all of this are more powerful than any particular action or statement.

The main point of what I’m noticing right now is that it’s time to step it up and get physically strong. The feeling of feeling weak feels disgusting, depressing and super lame. There really are only excuses and no excuse for creating excuses each day that keep me from being my best self. It’s going to be really hard, but I’m going to see what I can do to come into alignment with my strong, capable and vibrant self that has been hiding in my imagination. It’s not enough to know that I can do better if I want to, I have to actually do it. I think when I was younger, I was satisfied with the idea that I knew I could do things if I wanted to and I really believed it was true. Now, I feel like time is not unlimited, and I feel myself prioritizing and becoming more aware of the extremely beneficial and detrimental effects of my imagination on my reality.

Note to self: Now is the best time to start. Keep your promises to yourself. Especially the ones that build you up, crush your doubts and involve regular practice without an end date.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

I have nails!

61 of #100daychallenge: close-up

I dropped my phone and it broke. Having to get a new phone is like having to get a new car. It’s kind of exciting and dreadful at the same time.

It’s nice having a phone to keep a close distance from everything and everyone. I notice how I am different after using my phone a lot. My daughter is the same. We become distant. We start to notice in each other the varying definitions and degrees of closeness.

I started thinking about how I love everything from a distance and my vantage point from a distance is where I like to stay perched because it allows me to appreciate everything. When it comes to zooming in for close-ups, things either get confusing and uncomfortable or aligned and comfortable, because I must let myself be seen. I am no longer anonymous or out of sight. Accountability for myself and my thoughts.

Close-ups are actually the best. Close-ups require vulnerability and when I have the chance to work through vulnerable stuff when I have an audience or a partner to work through it with, it feels like immediate gratification and victory. Close-ups are great opportunities to see who we and where we really are in our ability to be ourselves. They also require us to treat ourselves as worthy, interesting, likable and lovable.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

60 of #100daychallenge: relative

Time and space are relative to me.

Everything I know is relative to me.

Sometimes it becomes difficult to discern what is real in life.

Sometimes I don’t think it matters, because it’s all relative to one time or another or to one person to another or all of the above.

I like the idea that time and space exist within us and that we have the ability to open it up into the spaciousness we need when we want to, if we believe we have this power.

Everything already exists within, it’s just a matter of connecting with it and allowing it to emerge.

Recently there have been these things in my awareness about how I live in my imagination, and I don’t know how to change that tendency. Mostly, because I do not want to change and I do not understand another way of going about life. I really don’t accept many things that are true and real to be so for myself. I deny things I do not want to be affected by. This makes it difficult for me to connect with others sometimes, because I believe in the potential and the impossible moreso than what is right in front of me.

What do you believe? Do you believe that other things outside of yourself have such an impact that you are bound in some way(s)? I don’t always know what I believe and I believe that whatever I might believe now could change.

I admire and am so curious about people who are more grounded than I and who have been steadfast in who they are from a young age. There are people who believe in themselves so much that they can do everything they set out to do. It may not be perfect, but they do it and it builds them up to keep elevating and expanding who they are.

Sometimes it’s a challenge for me to look at life from a cumulative and linear journey. It’s like layers upon layers and fragments that came together over different parts of time and space and it’s all connected without any particular direction. Other times, it’s easy to see how everything was part and parcel to the culmination of who I am and what is happening in this moment.

When I look at those people I admire, I see the value in starting young and continuing over time and how the ROI is aligned with what that person imagined. The geometry of that person’s ROI is exponentially greater than a majority of others. That ROI is usually both monetary, social and intellectual.

The only thing that I have ever done since the beginning is have a lot of love. It’s been my biggest downfall and my greatest joy and power. It is the currency by which I have been able to afford and enjoy all of the amazing people and experiences that come into my life. I haven’t always been aware of this currency and the ROI. It’s like unexpectedly receiving an inheritance. All of a sudden I’m seeing all of this wealth and it’s mine, but I also understand how to continue to invest and grow the wealth.

I haven’t thought of myself as a financially minded person, but there’s some kind of metaphor happening here that is working for me. I can help people find their own wealth. I see it already and I want them to have it. Too many people I know are not enjoying the wealth of who they are and are uncertain of how to and if they should invest in themselves with the currency of love.

It is the original and the most stable form of currency that exists.

Understanding how currency is relative to me is an ongoing exploration…still processing.

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Brightly,

Laura

camera 1

camera 2

59 of #100daychallenge: late

Better late than never.

I struggled to write this post earlier in the day.

I really prefer writing at the end of the day.

Something about the air at night.

I couldn’t go to sleep without doing a post.

I couldn’t go to sleep without meditating.

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Brightly,

Laura

booger check.

58 of #100daychallenge: hardy

I don’t know why, but I’m freaking out

This life isn’t for me

It’s not just for me

When you actually know that with your whole self

The days are different

The things are things

Not desires

Desires are dire

I think I prefer to be confused

When I stopped being confused

I can see why

People have chosen to leave

What can we do?

What can I do?

Right now

I can see my own life’s movie

And I’m left with

Is this it?

I sat here thinking about doing so many things

Then avoiding them

Asking them to leave me alone

I stood here knowing I could do more

Knowing that the great unhappiness within and around

Is much to do about doing a day’s work

And not a life’s work

Living on a day’s worth

In place of a life’s worth

This is not my creation

But I am forced to reckon

Unbury me, how?

Impossible to separate myself

Connected by entanglement

I am creator and created

Whether I like it or not

I am a part of the perpetual motion

What I do

What I don’t do

I do not know if life is about happiness

I do suspect life is about peace

I’m trying not to have a hard time in life

But life is hard

And sometimes I like when I stop fighting

And I let life be hard

And I find that I am hardy

I become grateful

Filled and complete

Grateful feels beyond happy

I do not know what the purpose of human life is

Yet, I feel called upon

I’ve entered the sanctuary

Of non-confusion

It’s simpler here

Emotionless

Because there is only one thing to do

There is nothing to become of you

When your purpose is clear

And you realize

It’s all you really have

And now all you really have to do

Is do it

All the days and all the ways

You are

That’s it

That’s everything

There are no barriers

No issue of time

No stopping or distracting you

Here I am is the only thought

Standing before free will

Finally understanding

To choose is against being

Everything that I am already exists

My daughter was doing her homework and she asked for some help. She was reading John Steinbeck’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

Suddenly, I felt myself come together again as I read the speech and this one line summed up exactly how I feel.

Man himself has become our greatest hazard and our only hope

Steinbeck’s speech comes through even more powerfully in 2018. It is the type of wisdom that must be absorbed in the original format, though so please read it yourself.

I also love what he says about writers and writing:

The ancient commission of the writer has not changed. He is charged with exposing our many grievous faults and failures, with dredging up to the light our dark and dangerous dreams for the purpose of improvement.

Furthermore, the writer is delegated to declare and to celebrate man’s proven capacity for greatness of heart and spirit – for gallantry in defeat – for courage, compassion and love.

There is a lot of good in this world. It just seems to get lost sometimes or perhaps, I just get dim sometimes. There is an unearthly simplicity and completeness in pure goodness. I think that’s why it gets lost, because we can’t believe it to be true for more than an instance. More and more, I feel a responsibility to shine the light of good on everything and everyone, not because I am so good, but because I am good enough to recognize it when I see it.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

Lying on the floor wanting and not wanting to do the things I need to do. So much resistance…

57 of #100daychallenge: sadhana

This past  Sunday, September 16, 2018, I hit 120 days with my prosperity sadhana. Everyday, I have been practicing a meditation for prosperity for 11 minutes. Prosperity for staying connected to love and creativity have been my intention, because I believe the greatest prosperity comes from love and creativity. I usually do my meditation and my #100daychallenge at the end of the day, because it gives me time to wind down and let all the thoughts of the day can pass through me. I can notice them and I feel grateful for my day because I did my practice. I know that today is good and so is tomorrow.

I learned about sadhana from kundalini yoga. Kundalini is the yoga of awareness and it is very different from the more popular forms of yoga, such as vinyasa. A lot of the practice is done with the eyes closed. There are kriyas, which involve breath, sound and postures that are related to a specific physiological and emotional outcomes. In my experience, kundalini creates communion with others and with all the different parts of myself and my life. During the practice, I come face-to-face with my boundaries and I am able to see what’s the in way and beyond. I feel clear, renewed and transformed after a kundalini practice.

A sadhana is like a streak. It is a practice for 40, 90, 120 or 1000 consecutive days. If you do not do it one day, you start back at one — even if it was an honest mistake or life became too busy.

Sadhana means daily spiritual practice. It is the foundation of all spiritual endeavor. Sadhana is your personal, individual spiritual effort. It is the main tool you use to work on yourself to achieve the purpose of life. It can be done alone or in a group. Sadhana is whatever you do consistently to clear your own consciousness so you can relate to the infinity within you. Before you face the world each day, do yourself a favor—tune up your nervous system and attune yourself to your highest inner self. To cover all your bases, it will include exercise, meditation, and prayer.

During what are called the “ambrosial hours” (the two and a half hours just before sunrise), when the sun is at a sixty-degree angle to the Earth, the energy you put into your sadhana gets maximum results. Your world is quieter. It’s easier to meditate and concentrate before the hustle and bustle of the day begins. If you absolutely cannot get up early in the morning to do sadhana, then do it some other time! Doing sadhana at any time of the day or night will benefit you.

Develop a regular sadhana and you take control of your life. Develop a deep sadhana and you open the doors of experience. Commit to meet your higher Self each morning and your decisions and your life become original; your life will bear the signature of your soul; your radiance will express the meaningful intimacy of the Infinite in each moment. Immerse yourself in the joy of victory that comes from starting each day with a powerful sadhana and every challenge becomes opportunity.  

Remember, a habit is a subconscious chain reaction between the mind, the glandular system and the nervous system. We develop habits at a very young age. Some of them serve our highest destiny. Some of them do not. By doing a 40, 90, 120 or 1000 day special sadhana, you can rewire that chain reaction. You can develop new, deeply ingrained habits that serve your highest good.

40 Days: Practice every day for 40 days straight. This will break any negative habits that block you from the expansion possible through the kriya or mantra.

90 Days: Practice every day for 90 days straight. This will establish a new habit in your conscious and subconscious minds based on the effect of the kriya or mantra. It will change you in a very deep way.

120 Days: Practice every day for 120 days straight. This will confirm the new habit of consciousness created by the kriya or mantra. The positive benefits of the kriya get integrated permanently into your psyche.

1000 Days: Practice every day for 1000 days straight. This will allow you to master the new habit of consciousness that the kriya or mantra has promised. No matter what the challenge, you can call on this new habit to serve you.

(source: https://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/sadhana)

I’m thinking about changing my #100daychallenge to #120daysadhana. It feels like a sadhana. I can feel myself transforming for my own benefit. I am more committed and clear in ways that I had hoped. Sadhana is really helping become who I know myself to be. To fill in or close the gap between who I am and what I can do in my imagination to match up with who I am and what I am capable of in reality. It is both sacred and fun! I’ve gotten to the point where the prosperity meditation is a part of my evening routine and now I’m considering a morning meditation as well. I’m thinking of starting with Sat Kriya.

Today marks the 40th birthday of our friend Dan. We lost him the summer before our senior year. It was tragic. Looking back, I think it was interesting how I dealt with it, because I felt like there were so many others who were closer to him than I was that I told myself that I was okay because it was much worse for others. There is no metric when it comes to this sort of thing. It’s impossible to not be affected and feel sad and grateful. 22 years later, does not feel like 22 years later. It feels like who we were then is still alive, still vibrant and a part of my life in a sense. We weren’t perfect, but we had a lot of fun. We were kids. Just kids.

As I get closer to who I truly am, I cannot let the moments and the people just pass by. I cannot let the significance of who and what they are to me pass by. I am and always have been so full of love. The only difference now is that I’m not as afraid to let that show. I want to laugh and cry and remember and know all of the experiences that are a part of me. There are some pretty bad ones, but there are some really amazing and unbelievable people and experiences that continue to remind me of who I am and what life is about. Even though we have changed and were different then to a certain extent. In the heart, we are always the same and everything has meaning and the grandiosity of it all is has no statute of limitations.

This challenge, this sadhana, is incomplete in the social and blog posts. I’m only just able to scratch the surface. This practice is helping me realize that I must go beyond and go deeper. The more I feel that push, the more I am realizing how much I actually do not give of myself and how much I am actually not even open at all. I am happy to give for others and be open to accepting others as whole, but I don’t really welcome into my space. This is not uncommon, but that doesn’t make it any easier or less scary. I don’t really know how that all works, especially because I thought I was in a different place. I will keep doing my sadhana and I believe that will help. I am already different than I was when I first started.

If sadhana sounds appealing to you, I suggest going to kundalini class or you can always reach out to me if you have questions. I am not a teacher or an expert, but I can share what I have learned and offer up an idea or two on how to get started.

I had started writing about sadhana earlier in the day.

I woke up knowing that today, September 19, would have been Dan’s birthday, and I had a thought that I should do something. I went back to sleep and forgot, because I had stayed up too late yesterday.

I was grateful when my friend reached out to see if I wanted to go visit Dan. We did. It was really nice. I can’t go into it as much as I would like to, but there’s something really special about the friends I had in high school.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

Just kids. RIP Yante.

56 of #100daychallenge: night music

The night is so quiet

Like a wide open space

Where all of me can be

I’m not looking or watching

I am seeing

Music fills the space

I disappear

I often think my body craves food

But in the night when I can hear

Music is what my body wants

The vibrations

The rhythms

Harmony

And the thoughts that come

make me wonder what I think I’m doing out there all the time

these are the moments

inside the music

if i could live a life with more of these moments

i feel

i’m here

and worthy

these are the times

i am here

and not wondering why

am i here to make some kind of an impact

i don’t know

maybe it’s less about making an impact

and leaving marks

maybe it’s about having known i was here

and i mattered to me

and i mattered to people who mattered to me

the ones i celebrated and suffered with

the ones i brushed up against

and never saw again

there is a whole frequency

that we are connected to and want to feel

but there’s never enough time or space

except inside the music

if all i had to do was write out my feelings

i would be living my dream

listening to

and feeling

gratitude

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Brightly,

Laura

55 of #100daychallenge: space

Today, I wrote in my notebook:

“I am a poor substitute for the person I imagine myself to be.”

“Narrow the distance between imagination and reality.”

“When I am the reflection of my imagination.”

“Be honest about your dream.”

These are important thoughts to notice. I think that my life is about narrowing the distance or creating a bridge or being the reflection between imagination and reality. This feels like a large part of what I imagine my work to be.

In order to change the fact that I am a poor substitute for who I am in my imagination, I think I need to be more honest about my dreams. It’s common to downplay, minimize or hide our dreams because we are afraid to fail and even more afraid to fail in front of others.

If I’m honest about my dreams, then I also must be honest about what I must do and not do to eliminate the gap between my dreams and me. There are doubts and don’ts between us. This time of year always reminds me of what I’m doing and not doing — how I’m falling behind. The physical world is slowing down, while it feels like time is speeding up. Frenetic tension everywhere, within and around. I’m aware of what I want and what I really want, and what I don’t want and really don’t want. It feels like everything is illuminated by a sense of heaviness and darkness.

Fill in the blank with your thought about the word: Fall

My thought is: FALL INTO A NEW ROUTINE

Fill in the blank with your thought about the word: Leave

My thought is: LEAVE YOUR CURRENT STATE

Blank spaces are so great. They’re not always meant to be filled. Sometimes they are meant to exist just for playing around and visiting.

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Brightly,

Laura

L-I-V-I-N’ in the light

54 of #100daychallenge: see it

Today is about what I see, what I like to see and when I like what I see. The first image I am sharing today is a design that I made that is inspired by something that I heard Justin Vernon say in an interview. The take away was the answer was not one or the other, but both.

I liked this thought so much I needed to make it into a visual for myself. I had been playing around with this “alphabet” made of lines, because energy work was helping me see the geometry of life. I needed to connect both one into a visual that was an easy get, if only for myself. More and more I am committed to working through and creating things for myself in order to know them enough to share them with others. If I like it, that’s enough. If I share it, it’s because I like it and I like you, so I’m sharing something I like with you. If you can know what a person must go through in order to share some thing of their self, than you will get something even if you don’t get exactly what it is they are sharing. When someone does something that gets me curious about how they did what they did and where it came from within them or through them — I think these are the people and the things and the experiences I learn from the most.

I like when things connect or play off each other. It’s like a game, my favorite game in life, to find the orientation and connection of everything. Not everything needs to be connected to make sense and it doesn’t define them to me, but it’s just the idea that they could be connected or that I can connect whatever I want if I can find the points that align.

I heard myself see…I saw myself hear…Open Up

I can see lots of things all the time. Often, I don’t understand or know how to take action if I can’t see more of the whole, but I know it’s there and it will eventually emerge. In other words, I have to understand my orientation in the field of potentiality. Once I find myself and can see the view from my vantage point, it makes it easier to see the directions. There are often many ways things can go, but there is always a gut sense that is usually accurate. Most of the time, I care more about being in motion than I do about any specific route.

I see how everything is multi-dimensional and simply one. Everything matters as much as it doesn’t. This is inspiring to me. I feel freedom to be more of who I am as much as I can at any given time. There is a sense of limitlessness. There is also a sense of knowing what matters and doesn’t matter so much about me. It empowers me to trust in and create my own experience.

I put my whole self in. I take my hole self out.

I’m not sure I’m doing well at anything in life, but I know how I feel and how to find my orientation to what is true for me past, present and future. Everything is always changing and at the same time, everything just is. Transformation and expansion. Sometimes constriction and tension.

Me’s me, you’s you, becomes who’s who. Who’s who inspired by you’s you becomes me’s me. Now that’s the Dr. Seuss kind of mindheart playing with truth realm materializing here from some other plane. I don’t know exactly how, but once it starts…

It’s so fast and so true it causes a fast forward and rewind kind of experience where the thinker must go back to read and comprehend a thought that was in motion with no intention of stopping. Just wanted you to notice it.

Oftentimes when I write, I write “you” and I think I mean “me” and other times I write “I” and I think I mean “you too?”

This has been fun and I wish I could continue, but I need to go to sleep! Buenas noches.

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Brightly,

Laura

peace

53 of #100daychallenge: cleaning

This time of year I like to purge. It has been several weeks since I’ve had it in my mind to do the deep clean, but I’ve been avoiding to my own detriment. Sometimes I think my mind gets too controlling and the rest of me rebels. It’s driving me mad, because I feel cluttered and agitated more and more as the days go by. Today, I did get one room done and it felt great. Now I must keep the momentum going.

I just pre-ordered Gretchen Rubin’s new book coming out in March called “Outer Order Inner Calm.” This idea resonates with me so much right now. I’m also thinking about the time I used Marie Kondo’s Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up “KonMari” method and how wonderful it was to have space and a specific place for each thing. I felt better then. More comfortable and calm.

I think the trick is letting the cleaning and organization happen on its own time at its own pace. The more I put pressure on myself, the more resistance and frustration I feel and it’s awful. Taking care of my space and belongings is meant to be an enjoyable experience. Taking time to take stock and have gratitude for each thing and what purpose(s) it has served for me.

Time for bed…late again, but I will hit the 10:30pm bedtime goal at least twice this week.

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Brightly,

Laura

Just the right amount for me.

52 of #100daychallenge: math

Today was a great day! Tonight, I couldn’t write and it didn’t seem like anything was going to come for the visuals, but eventually things started happening for the visuals. I think they are fun and funny. Those are some for real things I think and feel. I am too serious and too contained sometimes and it makes me rigid and clunky in life. Seeing that thought as a visual makes me laugh!

Comedic accountability.

It makes me realize that life really is better when I choose to be all in and all out. Interestingly, the thought of life being better when I choose to be all in and all out came before the illustration of me with a lego person body. I was thinking about work and how I love the days when I can be all in with what I’m doing. As I started to sketch that out, the thought came that there was something more and that thought became the “+ all out.” I love that, because it feels true to my experience. It also led to my realization I often feel like I’m such a square and you know what that led to!

The charm and silliness of the lego version of me, made me remember why expression is so important and I jotted down what just happened. Acknowledging my worries and judgments on paper resulted in a sense of comedic accountability about knowing that I don’t always put myself out there freely. Suddenly, it turned into a “math problem” of my own kind and I totally solved it! A certain amount of comedy and a certain amount of accountability can create the right balance to be in-between laughing and mostly serious. :)

Sometimes it’s necessary to put the current situation into an expression to understand and solve it. Makes sense right?

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Brightly,

Laura

51 of #100daychallenge: waste

Hello!

The second half of the challenge begins, and so it goes…

I love doing energy work and writing, but I also really love working with a team. My current work situation is really wonderful. I like the variety and I do feel I need to work with talented people who are smarter than me, because it’s so inspiring and makes me better professionally and personally.

I am tired and I don’t really feel like writing or drawing, but I know that it will bother me if I don’t take the time to follow through on this challenge. It is important for me to show up and do something, even the bare and embarrassing minimum.

People are so interesting and fun. It’s fascinating what they know, what they love, what they see and how they share and connect. I think I find something that reminds me of myself in every single person I encounter. It’s kind of a fun exercise to see what that thing is and it’s really helpful to being able to see others as whole people. I get stuck in my head and so used to seeing everything through my own lens, I forget to take a step back to consider more.

I have to stop writing. I am just not feeling connected and I want to get some sleep so I can have a good morning! I hope nobody wasted their time reading this…

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Brightly,

Laura

Nothing to say at the moment :)

50 of #100daychallenge: optimization

Hello! Today is day 50 and I have learned so much, but mostly that it’s time to recalibrate and optimize.

I’ve been enjoying doing my writing challenge at the end of each day, because everything else is done for the day and I’m able to sit and reflect a bit. However, I have been spending too much time on the writing and visuals for this challenge and I have become sleep deprived.

Not being well-rested makes everything more difficult, especially waking up early and exercising!!! I am sick of feeling like a slug, so I’m going to get to bed by 10:30pm every evening and wake up earlier.

I’m excited to feel better and see this challenge through the 100th day!

Gotta go…Night :)

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Brightly,

Laura

Top priority.

49 of #100daychallenge: 9/11

This evening, I went to the volleyball game with my daughter, or at least we were there at the same time — ha!

It was so fun! We got to see her friends play and I had the chance to catch up with some parents that I hadn’t seen in awhile. We stayed to watch the varsity game. I felt so energized seeing these young people play a sport I love at a higher level than when I played in high school. They were fantastic and it’s only the beginning of the season.

I was also impressed by the crowd. There was a whole section of students from the home team who dressed up and cheered. There were a couple of guys who would lead the cheers and get the crowd going. The level of school spirit was so pure and joyful! And, later on the way home, I learned that the students organize a theme for each game and tonight’s was red, white and blue.

Kids are amazing. I am excited to get the teen workshop going, because I enjoy hearing what they have to say and seeing what they come up with on their own.

Earlier in the day, I had been reflecting on 9/11 and I don’t think I realized how heavy and low I was feeling until after the volleyball game. These young people and their limitless energy, fired up my sense of hope, joy and love. Plus, I love seeing my daughter and her friends together. Many of the friends she’s had since first grade went to Central, so that has been a big change and they were happy to be reunited at the game today.

I want to play volleyball again for fun (and exercise) and I want to get in the best shape of my life, but I have not been eating well or exercising because I’ve been feeling tired. Once my daughter’s ankle gets better, I think we will start playing volleyball together. I’m so excited that she will hopefully no longer have pain and will be able to become the athlete she already knows she is. We both left the game feeling motivated.

This 9/11 is serving as an important reminder on many levels for me. The focus is on love and staying attuned to love even when the frequency of hate is so strong and tempting in the United States in 2018. Spending time with family and especially my daughter is so fun and important for me to share and acknowledge more love in the world.

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Brightly,

Laura

48 of #100daychallenge: letters

I love writing letters. Sometimes I just get inspired or feel so grateful for someone that I have to write a letter. I don't always send them, because sometimes they morph into journal entries and I can't tell if the letter is really for the person or if it's more for my own experience.

Today, I wrote a letter to one of my favorite friends, because we had a conversation earlier and every time we talk I learn so much from what she shares from her experience and what she notices about what I'm sharing. She is one of the most thoughtful, kind and caring people I've met. She connects with you and talks to you, as in you, the person you think you are and you the person you are trying to sometimes avoid. She is a unique friend in my life, because she is an extremely good friend and has inspired me to be a better friend, family member and person in my life. It made me realize that friends and friendships are two separate entities and in order to truly be and have outstanding friends and friendships, we must take care of both.

At the end of the letter, something else became clear about what is so different about this friend and it came out like this: "...and thanks again for being here." That is the difference, most people will be there for you when you need them, but she is always already here.

If you're noticing how one of your good friends stands out, take the time to write about it and let them know. Even though it feels a little self-serving, because it feels like I'm always benefitting, it feels really wonderful share my gratitude for each friend and friendship in my life.

If there's anything I want to do perpetually more and more in my life, it is to take the time to recognize the people and the moments who make time for me. It's so powerful.

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Brightly,

Laura