62 of #100daychallenge: shape

Sometimes I feel as if I’m missing the forced structure of full-time employment. Each day is different and it feels precarious to be the owner of my days. I love it, though. I think what I am learning is that progress feels and looks different, it’s not so linear. Part of me imagines that there is something wrong with me and that I should be more regimented. The rest of me is just listening and going with what feels like the natural flow of what is happening at the present moment.

I’ve lived lifetimes of forcing myself to do things, go places, say things, not say things and ignore things. Whenever the body and spirit find an opening to come to the forefront and lead, they do — and they are a force to be reckoned with. Life is a lot of reckoning and the amount of time and energy I spend reckoning with the external, about others and about the future and the past, generally means I’ve not spent enough time reckoning with my whole self. Always last. And, only because I must in order to survive in some way.

Looking at things this way makes me realize that I’m still getting acquainted and acclimating to myself. It’s new to be going with life in my own direction versus attempting to blaze down a path or chug along toward some desired outcome.

The natural pace of life is in the stars and the seasons. It’s getting to be Fall and I feel the need for some fire in my belly. By that I mean, I desperately need to work out and strengthen my core. The core is where my power comes from and I can feel it is weak and that weakness spreads out through the rest of my system like poison. I feel disconnected and like I am not me.

This year has really been so much about seeing where I am and coming face-to-face with my weaknesses and boundaries in order to know what I can and must do to go beyond. It’s really rewarding and I’m grateful that I am here, but it also feels so challenging to know what I need to do without knowing exactly how and when. Some kind of humbling modern dance allowing myself to get caught up with me and remembering to reconnect with the rest of creation. The mastery of being your own creation within and part of the universal creation.

We can fit in many places within creation at any point in time, but allowing our own shape to form and continue to transform makes it tricky to feel the magnetic pull in any specific direction. We are becoming and becoming, yet we already are who we are. And part of what we must do is have the ability to show and share the shape of who we are with others, so they can see and understand us.

This is where I think communication gets interesting and indescribable. It’s the magic. To know and understand each other without really being able to put it into words that feel accurate and powerful enough. The sense that things have fallen into place and all is well. You see me and I see you and it’s a really good feeling. It feels like I don’t need anything from you and you don’t need anything from me, but the benefits of sensing all of this are more powerful than any particular action or statement.

The main point of what I’m noticing right now is that it’s time to step it up and get physically strong. The feeling of feeling weak feels disgusting, depressing and super lame. There really are only excuses and no excuse for creating excuses each day that keep me from being my best self. It’s going to be really hard, but I’m going to see what I can do to come into alignment with my strong, capable and vibrant self that has been hiding in my imagination. It’s not enough to know that I can do better if I want to, I have to actually do it. I think when I was younger, I was satisfied with the idea that I knew I could do things if I wanted to and I really believed it was true. Now, I feel like time is not unlimited, and I feel myself prioritizing and becoming more aware of the extremely beneficial and detrimental effects of my imagination on my reality.

Note to self: Now is the best time to start. Keep your promises to yourself. Especially the ones that build you up, crush your doubts and involve regular practice without an end date.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

I have nails!