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3 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

April 03, 2019  /  Laura Peppin

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day! It really did feel like a new day, like a day of its own. No apparent reason why, but it feels good to feel a sense of separation between the days and from the week.

Tonight, I am working on more notecards from February 2017. Here’s an excerpt:

Sunday, February 5, 2017

It is 6 a.m. and I am up doing my morning pages. Last night was so interesting the way the evening ended.

In reverse, we got to the hacienda late, probably about midnight or so. It is very rustic. The toilet tank is detached and hanging on the wall above the toilet. It is super weird and kind of curious / hilarious. We forgot to buy water before coming here. Getting to our destination was an adventure. I drove our red Dodge SUV up the hill. It was so dark and winding. Difficult to see where we were going, but also really engaging seeing all of the houses and how unique they looked (what we could see of them). We pulled over a few times to let anxious cars pass us.

We had to park at the foot just near the road. Squishing our way up the hill, the path was muddy and extremely dark. We carried all of our things, guessing our way through the dark. My friend being guided up and up and forward, and I with the flashlight illuminating some sense of / some view of where we were moving through time and space. We were almost there. We both had to pee. I hoped we were close and I was following my friend without question or concern. The sky opened up to reveal the beautiful starry night hanging above the frame of the trees and hills. It felt right to be where I was.

This morning, I am realizing that I was maybe being a little judgy or overly analytical about everything yesterday, everyone… I love them all. Love them and that’s all that matters.

Dinner was a lively and lovely affair. I talked with one friend a lot and it was nice to catch up one-on-one. I think one of the women has changed a bit. I see she is more resolute within, facing the truths, and I see that she is truly ready to move on, on her own if that is what shall be what is. There is a different beauty coming through her and that is the surrender and the understanding that she is love and truly feeling that is the best asset she has to offer. She feels a bit sad in the space of truth, but supported and understanding or at peace with where she is. I see the little girl being held by the goddess in the light of unification and love.

We were having so much fun. We left dinner at 11pm to go to our car and head to the mountains. The parking garage was gated shut. We were shocked and irritated, but my friend was determined to get our car. I acted in accordance — asking the restaurant nearby if they could help at all. They could not. Next, dialing people in the condos above, hoping someone would answer and help us out. One person answered, but she was in Big Sur and told us she was sorry, but she could not help.

My friend wanted to try and shimmy through the space between the ground and the black metal gate. I worried about getting in trouble for “trespassing.” I couldn’t believe what was happening and I did not want to stay anywhere, but our Airbnb and I wanted to make it to yoga class in the morning. All of our belongings were in the car. We each stood at our posts wracking the brain and the universe about how we could get the car and get on the road.

I finally agreed to let her try the gate thing and we began sorting out the “what if” logistics. We looked at the gate again and I could see there was no way either of us could squeeze through. Our heads would not fit. I said that out loud, “Your head won’t fit and I know I couldn’t fit through there.” I sure fucking wished she was right, but I was also still a little worried about getting in trouble. It’s a big city and my gut was saying the cops wouldn’t be very sympathetic. We walked and watched and waited. Every time a car drove into the alley, we hoped they would turn into the garage, so the gate would lift and our problem would be solved.

Suddenly, I felt and saw lights — someone was leaving the garage. I scuttled down the incline toward the gate and waved. The gate opened and my heart laughed and sighed as I rushed through, making the car wait to exit until my friend and I were safely through. Holy-effing-s — YES!!! I never gave up, but I didn’t know how or when we were going to get to the car. We laughed and hugged hard.

There is something interesting and special about this experience. I liked reading it and I didn’t remember writing about that evening in this manner. It’s not written well, but my memory filled the gaps as I read this passage in my notebook. I think if I spent some time with it, I could rewrite it to be more descriptive and coherent in a way that would stir up more tension and emotion for a reader.

This is a messy, good process. Sometimes it feels daunting and uncertain, but these thoughts and feelings are simply recognition of the challenging work I am doing. Taking notice of thoughts and feelings as ways I’m recognizing myself for my efforts makes more sense than interpreting them as potential for failure. I have to believe that all parts of me have my own best interest at heart.

Completely,

Laura

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2 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

April 02, 2019  /  Laura Peppin

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day! The Spring season has me feeling more energy already and I am so grateful, because I was tired of feeling tired. It makes me realize that I am experiencing my version of waking up and experiencing new life just like the rest of the living things and beings in the world. More and more, I am learning how to understand myself and my experience through the paying more attention to cycles of the moon, planets and seasons.

Tonight I worked on what I’m categorizing as research, because I’m reading through several years of writing and making notecards. I’ve read a year and a half of writing and am interested in noticing any patterns and cycles that appear year-over-year. It is a slow and lovely process. It’s fun to remember what I have done in the past few years and seeing how I got here. It’s interesting how so much has changed, despite the truth that a lot of my thoughts are the same or similar.

I’m not really sure this project will result in a book or some other rewarding thing I can hold in my hands. I trust that it will be a worthy endeavor, but the biggest challenge I’ve been working through is that I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing and that I may be spending a lot of time and effort only to find that my approach was all wrong. These are understandable concerns aka fears, no doubt. Although, the more humbling realization that I’m having is that I have a very real and deep-rooted belief that I am not smart and the way that I know this is because I am surrounded by so many smart and articulate people. I’m not entirely sure where this belief comes from, but it feels like it’s based on an observation based on personal experience that got twisted in a particular direction and simply needs some untwisting and untangling. It’s one of those “thought feelings “ that has been there for so long that I feel more comfortable perpetuating it as a defining truth than I do imagining I have the option of correcting it. Have I ever truly realized how low my opinion is of myself? What I say in my thoughts, beliefs and expression becomes the foundation of my potential and my reality.

Already, this #120daysadhana is showing me more of what I need to understand and work through in order to complete the book. It’s why the book has been taking more time to come together than I expected. I cannot write a book to share with others if I’m writing it while believing I am dumb, because that will come through clearly to the reader or it will distract them from connecting. And in this moment, I have just made sense of why I have a fear that my efforts will be lost and I’ll figure out that I need to start over.

Wow. Writing is amazing. When I write everyday, important things happen. Anytime I do a daily practice that is aligned with who I am and my purpose, I receive gifts of abundance. I feel really lucky that I am able to write and receive. I am the adventure that I’ve been dreaming of. When I write everyday, I also remember to remember.

Completely,

Laura Peppin

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1 of #120daysadhana: How to write a book

April 02, 2019  /  Laura Peppin

I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day! It’s actually the very end of the day and I am starting a new sadhana. The focus of this sadhana is to work on my writing project and do Sobagh Kriya each day.

Today, I did a 15 minute Sobagh Kriya practice first thing morning using this Guru Jagat video as a guide. It’s really helpful to do this kriya with a video because each part is three minutes and there are five different parts. It’s a prosperity kriya to “Invoke the Wealth of the Universe”.

“I'm trying to give you a very handy tool so that you can be anywhere, and you can become rich. I'm not going to give you printed money, but I'm giving you a tool of prosperity. Will that be cool? All right, let's do it.

And I'd like you to be your own judge. See how it works. There are a lot of things that you think you can't do, like looking unique or being excellent. But you only think these things because you are afraid of the responsibility. If the psyche is corrected once in a while, for a few minutes here, or a few minutes there, you'll be surprised how much good you can do for yourself.”

— Yogi Bhajan, 6/21/96, Summer Solstice

I’m doing Sobagh Kriya because I attended the public classes for the Level II Kundalini Teacher Training last weekend and the guest teacher, Sat Siri who teaches at Wanderlust LA, taught Sobagh Kriya because the trainees are doing a 90 day sadhana that started yesterday — Sunday, March 31, 2019. The Kundalini teacher trainings in MN are facilitated through the Kundalini Collective and the next Level I training is in the works for 2020…I am hoping I can do this training!!!

I have done a 120+ day prosperity sadhana doing the first part of sobagh kriya for 11 minutes each day more than once in the past two years. The last time I started to do a prosperity sadhana, I intended on practicing daily possibly forever, but then something interesting happened one day. I realized that I am prosperity and then I knew it was time for a new meditation. I don’t know how to convey how profound, yet basic this realization was when it occurred. It was kind of funny. It was like I woke up and moved on with my day / life.

While I still know that I am prosperity, I believe that practicing Sobagh Kriya at this time will be beneficial and interesting because of the feeling I got yesterday while practicing. It will work really well in conjunction with my other workouts. Strengthening physically and mentally from the inside out, upper, lower and all throughout is where prosperity comes from and allows it to expand, flow and overflow inward to outward. It creates the alignment and the structure when we are physiologically strong from the inside out, meaning the cells, tissues, organs and the breath from the inside out. I’ve been weak and it’s affecting my form and my ability to create and successfully support my creations.

In order for me to continue to be more of who I am and to do the things I am desperate to do in this lifetime, I must always be getting strong, I must have a regular practice and I must keep going without counting the days. I’m not really sure what’s going to happen during this 120 days, but I imagine that I will figure some key things out about my personal process. I will get physically stronger and make real progress on my project.

The goal for today was to do sobagh kriya, pilates, yoga and just get started on this #120daysadhana to focus my writing efforts on my project. My word for 2019 is COMPLETE. I am complete. I will allow myself the satisfaction of feeling complete each day.

Completely,

Laura

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2 of #120daysadhana: meditation

January 03, 2019  /  Laura Peppin

Yesterday was day 2. It’s so interesting how difficult it is to remember what I did and how I felt yesterday.

I did do the positive mind meditation for 30 minutes and it was so nice to come back to that practice again. The effects are pretty immediate and I notice that I am able to settle into or tune-in much more comfortably now that I have been practicing for what feels like a long time. It feels good to know that I am capable and worthy of investing time in my meditation practice.

One of the benefits of meditation practice is that I’ve developing a different relationship and experience with time. Eleven minutes of meditation can seem extremely long or quick or sufficient depending on my mindset and emotional state. It also has opened me up to the idea of just doing what I can and allowing it to be enough and worth it as long as I just do it.

Last night, after working at my office for a few hours, I came home to my paperwork organization and filing project and immediately wanted to avoid it because I didn’t believe I would be able to finish it before 10pm-ish. I had a couple of hours before I needed to start getting ready for bed, so I thought about rescheduling the task til today or the weekend when I might have more time to knock the whole thing out. Fortunately, I stayed committed to my #120daysadhana and I decided to just do what I could that night and agree to be happy with any progress that I made. I went to bed a little later than planned, but I made more progress than I imagined possible and completed the day feeling great!

I am still in the midst of this project, but I want to do it mindfully and right by my own standard of satisfaction. It feels good not to rush through it and to have clarity on what’s what, why and where it belongs.

Day 2 :: 1/2/19

  • Rest + Rising —woke up on time, but hit snooze a couple of times, went to bed around 11pm

  • Exercise — went for a walk, did some push ups and arm circles (ha ha, I know…), 30-minute positive mind meditation

  • Fun —walking was fun!

  • Writing — morning pages, blog

  • Reading — I don’t know if I read anything yesterday

  • Life things I don’t want to do / feel overwhelming — filing project

  • Scheduling + Squashing Resistance — planned for today, squashed that resistance about spending time filing and felt like a master and also a bit silly for my initial desire to procrastinate

Today was a great day and I will write more about that tomorrow if there’s time.

Thanks for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my  #alltheloveandnoexcuses #blueprintwellness #120daysadhana materialize.

Completely,

Laura Peppin

π E X P E R I M E N T A L π

December 01, 2018  /  Laura Peppin

Helloooooo!!!

I’m feeling experimental today, so I initiated an experiment. I have no expectations about the results and unlimited excitement about the potential. It’s less about results and more about the rise in vitality I experience through the act of putting an idea out there and connecting with others in order to do so.

The notion of a well-intentioned chain letter comes to mind. It’s like an energetic improv, can I “Yes and…” to keep the flow going and uplift what’s being created or do I “No but…” because I don’t believe I know how or that it really matters. Either way, we become aware, as do the others around us. It’s all just practice. Opportunities to practice. To give. To receive. To eff it up. By accident. By intention. By unawareness. To try again. To succeed. By choice. By oneself. By the collective. To just have fun. By allowing. By listening. By sharing.

The intent of the experiment is not a chain letter. It is simply to take what feels like a risk (to me), in the direction of truly starting to share my writing, identify myself as the writer I am, and notice any resonance.

The Experiment:

I listened to this great episode of Seth Godin on the #AmWriting podcast and he says to take a PDF of your first book and email to 30 people you know who won’t delete the email. Ask them to share, but only if they like it and see what happens.

At first, I thought it sounded like the worst idea ever. Then, I wished I had a book that I had written and didn’t get published or was published but not well-received to see what would happen. Eventually, I remembered I do have a book. I made my first book while finishing college. I wrote it, laid out the text, figured out how to print on both sides without a duplex printer, “designed” the cover and sealed it with glossy contact paper, added a vellum flyleaf page and assembled it by hand. It’s one of those items that is dear to me for many reasons. It will always be my first book. I will always like it for what it is and how it came to be.

It came about at a time when I was struggling quite a bit. I was finishing up my undergrad Communication Studies, PR and Advertising degree. The idea of committing to 9-5, plus a career was terrifying. My daughter was 2, and I was feeling so much pressure to start my career and be a provider. Not to mention a major lack of sleep and still experiencing the mild identity crisis of being a new-ish, young-ish mother.

A woman came to our senior capstone class to talk about vocation. She showed this clip from Sister Act 2, when Sister Mary Clarence (Whoopi Goldberg) ambushes Rita (Lauryn Hill) and encourages her to sing by sharing the story of Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I politely let my instructor know that I was okay, but I needed to leave class.

While watching that clip, I felt so clearly that all I wanted to do was write. It was so unexpected when it hit me, I cracked and saw how much I had been fighting and denying myself. I had to go. I went to the coffee shop we lived above and wrote and wrote and wrote. Relief and happiness rushed in. I felt like I was in a movie. Like the culmination of everything had risen to the highest point, released and that wave of knowing that no matter what happened, the protagonist, I, was going to be okay. The Flaming Lips song “Do you realize?” became my soundtrack the moment I realized that I was experiencing that “happiness makes you cry.”

The next thing I recall is that our class was gearing up for the final assignment. We were to select a book from the list we were given to read and write a paper. It was a good list of books, Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton, I and Thou by Martin Buber, and several others. I kept trying to read one of the books, but I couldn’t read — it just wasn’t sticking. I started getting worried and stressed out. Finally, I decided to talk to my professor and ask him if I could write my own book for my final project. I knew he was a gracious being, so I was extremely grateful, but not surprised, that he obliged. His feedback touched me even more. He shared how much he liked it and even recited one of the lines to me. It made me feel simultaneously uncomfortable and proud. I always wished I had made more than one copy of the book, because I think he would have appreciated a copy of it.

I wrote long letters to both of the professors I mentioned and never sent them. I lost the moment, the momentum and the courage to put myself out there. Though I was immensely grateful, my doubt and fear were greater. Last year, I put a little effort toward trying to figure out how to send the letters, but one had retired. I let it go. Again. These seemingly small moments of not expressing what I have to share have accumulated over the years. If you’re thinking or feeling “that is sad.” You are exactly right. That = sad.

This brings me back to whatever it is this experiment might be. When it comes to expression, I believe it is never too late. There is always a way to honor those moments and people I may have let pass by, only because I cared more than I knew how to express at the time — or simply because I was too afraid to put myself out there. That fear and hesitation would have taken away from the clarity of the intention, because it would have been about me and not the person who was meant to be recognized and honored. Sometimes it is acceptable to show up late and in my own way. Though, I am aware part of my dharma is to learn to show up in the moment, at the intended time, with only the doors to my head and heart open and nothing outwardly prepared or wrapped in a pretty bow. It’s easy to forget in this world, why this IS something! Why this is EVERYTHING. To be open. To [be willing to] receive and be received.

I’m looking forward to continuing to share more about the project I am working on now. It’s a slow and challenging process. Grateful for all the brilliance, support and encouragement from so many kind and caring individuals past, present and future.

It’s amazing to look back and realize everything always works out. A delay is not a delay. It may just be a richer and more efficient way of arriving where we aim to be. In fact, I wasn’t ready then, but I am ready now. We always know everything we need to know at any given time and quite possibly for our lifetime. Even now, as I write this post, I know it may only resonate with one person, and if I’m really honest, that person might just be me. That’s okay with me and it’s okay with Seth Godin, because each of us touch the lives of so many others without even knowing it. This is the BRILLIANCE of the human experience and my writing journey.

I will eventually email the PDF to 30 people, but for now, I’ve started with four people, along with anyone else who finds and reads this blog post and feels moved to participate.

Download>> Darklit by Laura Peppin, 2006

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Thank you for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my writing journey and #alltheloveandnoexcuses #blueprintwellness experiment unfold.

Brightly,

Laura Peppin

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The morning after the morning after...

November 23, 2018  /  Laura Peppin

I felt gratitude today. So much that I don’t know that I really need to write about what I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving.

 

I’m curious to see what life and writing feel like when I have gotten into a pattern with getting more sleep. It’s getting late so I ought to go to sleep now, but it felt strange to consider the option of not writing. 

 

Today, I was reminded that my favorite thing to do is nothing or whatever I feel like doing at the time. In those moments, I feel my whole self singing, “This is life.”  It feels like amnesia of responsibilities  and consequences, none of that really matters. I have actual perspective and it feels secure and peaceful. Unshakeable for the duration. The best thing I can do is notice and appreciate the goodness of what I’m feeling. The worst thing I can do is try to extend it or get caught up in tracking how long it will last.

 

I fell asleep, so I’m posting this the morning after.