107 of #120daysadhana: nothing

Some days, I have to be honest and admit that it feels like all of my time and effort is being spent trying to cover up the fact that I actually only want to do nothing, I don’t like anything and I don’t care about anything. I want to lie around and be lazy without consequence or guilt. I want to be free to not participate.

I want to play. But, not play the game.

I realize and value that it is a privilege to be here. I just wish we could leave it at that.

Thank you for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #120daysadhana unfold.

Brightly,
Laura Peppin

106 of #120daysadhana: artist date

“And also with me…” — this is the way that I need to be able to enjoy and appreciate the experience of life overall and the collections of experiences within the experience.

It’s taken some time to really get acquainted with myself by myself. A lot of the time when I am by myself, I am focused on other things, such as a list of things I must accomplish that day. Going on “artist’s dates” is one of the things that has helped me immensely. I learned about this practice when I did “The Artist’s Way” a couple of years ago:

The Artist Date is a once-weekly, festive, solo expedition to explore
something that interests you. The Artist Date need not be overtly
“artistic” — think mischief more than mastery. Artist Dates fire up the
imagination. They spark whimsy. They encourage play. Since art is about the
play of ideas, they feed our creative work by replenishing our inner well
of images and inspiration. When choosing an Artist Date, it is good to ask
yourself, “what sounds fun?” — and then allow yourself to try it.

I have not been doing a weekly artist date, but I do make a point to go on an artist’s date that gets me out and about by myself in a way that gets me out of my comfort zone. I had a nice time on my artist’s date tonight. I went to see Judd Apatow at the super sweet Pantages Theatre.

I realized that I mostly enjoy what I would call the heart of his comedy and his way of telling a story through characters. There’s a lot of recognition of love and the need for love that drives us up and down and all around through life. It gets twisted. We get twisted. These are some of the most impactful and connecting touchpoints of comedy. Embracing the humbling yet uplifting resignation of being human, on stage for the love and disgust for oneself and for all, is indeed a worthy spectacle.

I think artist dates are important and I’d like to be in the practice of having a weekly artist date and applying the mindset daily. Sometimes it’s difficult to identify what truly feels like fun to me or that having fun without a specific outcome in mind is just as, if not, more valuable to overall productivity and fulfillment in life.

Thank you for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #120daysadhana unfold.

Brightly,
Laura Peppin

105 of #120daysadhana: reminders

I voted today. Voting is a reminder of so much. This year voting has been reminding me of things I have never had to be so aware of. I am not in a mental state to go further into this at this time, but it’s all very much on my mind and heart.

Today was the first day I have really spent time working on my other project. It felt really good and that process makes me think and imagine on a frequency that is all encompassing of the highs and lows of collective and individual humanhood.

I spent some time looking through old writing today. It’s always a humbling, yet inspiring exercise. I am too sleepy to go into this further at this time, but the main takeaway that I came to understand is that seeing my thoughts day after day, month after month is bringing to some clarity and motivation that will help me commit or release myself fully to choose that which helps me support my higher self to be good to myself and others. To mind my mental waste.

I’m getting older and receiving waves of clarity about how I’m living my life and whether or not I want to continue recycling the same old thoughts over and over and letting them dominate for any part of the rest of my life.

“Like sand through the hourglass. THESE are the days of our lives…” This line from the soap opera Days of Our Lives always made me laugh and always seemed like kind of a sad way to think about and experience life.

It’s a tricky thing to want better without allowing the implied dissatisfaction to interfere or become resident. It can serve as a great motivation and launchpad, but the more I think of it the more integrated and solidified it becomes. Seeing the cumulative repetitiveness of some of my desires, struggles and efforts showed me a wider angle view of myself. I’ve often been caught up in various close-ups from different angles that has perpetuated my fragmented and disconnected understanding of myself and life overall.

I’m seeing how I can change and grow or “optimize” for a more fulfilling and enjoyable way to live each day more wholly.

Thank you for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #120daysadhana unfold.

Brightly,
Laura Peppin

104 of #120daysadhana: priorities

What I learned from the first 100 days, is that I cannot forget my priorities in lieu of completing my daily challenge or my daily sadhana. Using one as an excuse or counter-priority for the other diminishes both + my spirit!

This post is going to be short because I need some sleep, so I can wake up early and vote first thing tomorrow morning.

Thank you for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #120daysadhana unfold.

Brightly,
Laura Peppin

103 of #120daysadhana: floating

Today was a pretty excellent day. I went to a talk at Lake Harriet Spiritual Community with a friend who had never been. I used to attend the Sunday service more often, but haven’t been going consistently for awhile, so it was nice to be in that space and community again. I enjoyed today’s talk, which tied into “The Power of Community” theme for November. I liked what the speaker said about her experience in preparing for today’s talk and how she had struggled with asking for help. When she asked for help it was a blessing to those whom she had called upon, because it feels good to be able to help someone and to be recognized as someone who can help. It’s really a win win.

I was also able to meet up with another friend for our weekly tune-in. We have been doing this for almost three months now and it’s been an helpful and fun way to reflect on the week and plan for the next. It’s also really cool and rare to have someone close in my life who is able to commit to meeting regularly, so I feel really grateful. I have a steady connection with all of my closest friends, but we don’t always get to see each other in-person. We are always just happy to see each other and do what we can to make the most of our time when we can. I truly have the best, most lovable friends, who truly love me, see my good and lift me up. I hope they feel I love them and want to lift them up, too.

My writing is a reflection of my day. It has been one of those days where I’ve been kind of everywhere and nowhere. Just floating around detached from the ambitions that I had in my mind for the day. Instead of working on the things I had in mind when I had solo time today, I ended up just doing whatever I wanted and the best part was that I mostly went along with it without guilt or worry. I didn’t get much of anything done that was on my list for today, but I did make some much needed progress on an organization project. It is embarrassing to admit that sometimes it takes me weeks to complete what should be a simple set of tasks.

Everything was feeling stale, so several weeks ago, I cleared off my shelves and put stuff in boxes so I could go through it before putting things away again. I got stuck. I couldn’t figure out what to do with the stuff. I was tempted to just get rid of it all, but I actually needed and wanted some of it. I tried to make progress a few times and it just wasn’t happening, so I just ignored and avoided it for awhile, but it was causing me some mid-level irritation and shame all along. I’ve been hoping this day would come. A day that I would be able to take care of everything effortlessly.

It’s so funny how it happens...I got a burst of energy, turned on some music and started moving things around until spaces were cleared, items discarded, recycled and placed on shelves. I still have some filing to do, but that’s for another day and that will be easy.

I’ve got to remember that it’s best to float through each day, rather than charge through it! It’s that battle of me vs me. I’m always trying so hard to be better, faster and more accomplished, but I can do all that without such a need for speed and immediacy. I always get everything done and like it better when I am able to enjoy the process.

I’m hoping to be able to do something fun with my daughter this week. She is always very busy with her friends and I’m happy about that, but I feel time moving quickly and want to hang with her before she’s off to college in a few years!!! Crazy.

I looked at her newborn baby photos tonight and was awestruck about her whole existence from birth to now and me being her mom all throughout. It’s been a fun and beautiful adventure so far. Feels like being alive :-)

Looking forward to a good week — it’s probably the last week sans holiday influence! Although, I am ready for Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas,” Love Actually and Bridget Jones.

In the meantime, I will be watching every episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and going to see Judd Apatow this week.

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee: SJP & Jerry Seinfeld

Thank you for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #120daysadhana unfold.

Brightly,
Laura Peppin

102 of #120daysadhana: transition

I needed to simplify my daily writing and posting format, so that it isn’t taking so much of my time. It’s feeling better, but I am kind of missing the process of creating under pressure and letting the visuals emerge.

I need more time to transition into doing the daily practice necessary for my project. I haven’t quite had time to agree to a daily goal or expectation, so I haven’t started. I’m taking my time because I want to set myself up for success. Sometimes, the plans do not happen the way I want them to or when I want. I’ve been learning that if I can be patient and trust that things will happen when the time is right, everything always works out beautifully.

I was wondering what I would do if I had the freedom to live life based on what I was feeling moved to do throughout the hour, day, week, month. How would that feel, what would I do, what would I not do?

Today was a really nice day. I did three energy sessions. Energy work is such a gift and it feels good to share it. Seeing the person and how they feel after the session is so inspiring. There is radiance, there is joy, there is peace and love. After I do sessions, I feel that sense of freedom to move through my day doing what feels right without worry or feeling rushed. It’s nice to feel like I can just do one thing right now and it can be small and personal to me and not matter or have value to anyone else.

Who cares?

Me.

On another note, I felt moved to start watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee as I was writing this post. It’s so good. My favorite episode is the one with Dave Chappelle. So good. Gotta go…

Thank you for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #120daysadhana unfold.

Brightly,
Laura Peppin

101 of #120daysadhana: look back

I am unable to go to sleep without writing tonight. I don’t have to do a post, but I want to. I really don’t have anything to say. It’s funny how things would come to me throughout the day when I knew I had to do the challenge. It’s all about awareness…

I’m excited and not excited to shift my awareness and my practice toward my number one do or die personal project. It’s going to be painful and awesome!

Today, I have been taking a peak at some of the earlier posts from my #100daychallenge and I’m reminded of how important it is to look back. It’s helpful to have actual artifacts to look back on and remember. There’s a sense of sweetness, humor and humility about the things I did to make it all happen. It was a rewarding experience. I don’t really love taking selfies, but there is something about doing it that kept me real.

Tomorrow, I’m thinking I may go back and read through all of the blog posts. The only thing is that this blog template really sucks in this squarespace theme and I’m sure there are a lot of typos that I’ll have to fix. I don’t really want to edit the original posts, though. It was not a requirement that the writing be completely thought out or good in general, so I want to let it be.

In the meantime, I’m transforming the daily writig challenge into a 120-day sadhana.

Why do we get up for morning sadhana? Because we have to face the whole day, and we cannot face the day without a constant level of energy. People love you for three things only: wisdom, commitment, and consistency.

Sadhana means daily spiritual practice. It is the foundation of all spiritual endeavor. Sadhana is your personal, individual spiritual effort. It is the main tool you use to work on yourself to achieve the purpose of life. It can be done alone or in a group. Sadhana is whatever you do consistently to clear your own consciousness so you can relate to the infinity within you. Before you face the world each day, do yourself a favor—tune up your nervous system and attune yourself to your highest inner self. To cover all your bases, it will include exercise, meditation, and prayer. 

120 Days: Practice every day for 120 days straight. This will confirm the new habit of consciousness created by the kriya or mantra. The positive benefits of the kriya get integrated permanently into your psyche.

I think I will continuing doing my sadhana, post or no post on social media. There was something fun and rewarding seeing each new post, but I feel committed to make my do or die project my top priority.

Thank you for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #120daysadhana unfold.

Brightly,
Laura Peppin

100 of #100daychallenge: the beginning

Immediately after this post is when the real challenge begins…

I listened to this song today.

I heard it in a very different way.

It was resonating with the loving and non-loving, flowing non-flowing, parts of me.

Like a sad love letter attempting to be respectful of the other, while honoring their own expression...

Turn down the lights

Turn down the bed

Turn down these voices

Inside my head

Lay down with me

And tell me no lies

Just hold me close

Don’t patronize

Don’t patronize me

I can’t make you love me

If you don’t

You can’t make your heart feel

Something it won’t

Here in the dark

In these final hours

I will lay down my heart

I feel the power

But you won’t

No you won’t

I can’t make you love me

If you don’t

I close my eyes

And then i won’t see

The love you don’t feel

When you’re holding me

Morning will come

And I’ll do what’s right

Give me til then

To give up this fight

And I will give

Up this fight

I can’t make you love me

If you don’t

You can’t make your heart feel

Something it won’t

Here in the dark

In these final hours

I will lay down my heart

And i’ll feel the power

But you won’t

No

You won’t

I can’t make you love me

I can’t make you love me darlin’

Upon hearing this song in such a different way, my feelings about doing a challenge like this have expanded. This challenge has helped me achieve my goals to develop a little grit, a daily writing practice and creative space to express myself and share with others. It has been difficult and exposed me to my weaknesses and boundaries. In other words, I’m getting stronger and more aware of the limiting boundaries I’ve chosen for myself, as well as how I may choose to diminish and dissolve them. There have been sacrifices; however, a worthy commitment neutralizes the feeling of sacrifice.

My choice to follow through on the challenge each day was a given, clear and unwavering. No excuses, no obstacle could be great enough to sway me out of alignment. The feeling of every part of myself important, worthy and capable of achieving harmony separate and together. I need every part. Together in harmony.

The only challenges in life are the ones I make up or choose to take on as challenges. Similarly, points of ease in life are the ones I make up or choose to take on as easy. Ease and challenge appear inseparable or as if each lives within the other. Similar to my parts of me. Similar to me and you.

That’s actually quite beautiful. State of awareness.

Feeling lighter, getting brighter.

I feel gratitude for myself and my devotion. I feel gratitude for everyone who joined me and supported me, and taking the time to consider their own experience. Means so much.

Thank you for following @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

It’s the end of the challenge and the beginning of life!

Brightly,

Laura

Real smile…Celebrated with a haircut!

99 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Takeaways #1

The best part is that I’ve just been making all of this up the whole time. These Top Ten Takeaways have no ranking order and were not something I had planned to do.

Make. believe.

Make. Believe. has been the flow of how this challenge has unfolded. I had to start making something by writing or typing on a page or drawing a visual or imagining a visual. Other times, I had to sit in the space of Make. Believe. and wait for something. The process of Make. Believe, reinforced the feeling that I cannot make something I do not believe to some degree or some purpose. Make. Believe is also the space I go to find my connection to what it is I’m making so that I know I believe it.

The trick with the Make. Believe. process is that I have to be able to feel it. And even then, I have to be able to discern the way I feel about it to make sure I believe it as real all the way through me on some facet or the whole.

I love this quote from the movie, Being John Malkovich:

“There is truth and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it is lying.”

This is a powerful thought. It encompasses my greatest struggle : my greatest victory throughout this #100daychallenge — feeling the truth — in writing.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

My greatest struggle : My greatest victory each day of this challenge.

98 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Truths #2

The journey to simple is often confusing and complex. Simple truly is simple as a concept and a construct.

Simple in practice creates a confusion because the concept and the construct match perfectly. Initially, the sight of perfection or wholeness seems uninteresting and as if there is nothing for us to do.

It’s unbelievable, it’s probably in need of rigorous testing. This is because our connection to purpose is driven by the principle of finding lack, a problem or gap, that we engineer and give definition, form and shape to so that the usefulness and the value of some thing is clear and relatable to others.

I sometimes view myself as a perfectionist, but when propositioned with perfection in real life, I am unable to recognize, comprehend and believe it. Most of our chronic problems are simple and require clear and simple actions to alleviate them. I notice a funny thing when I try to debate and argue this point. When I lose, I win!

Just add “now”

I do not deny the complexity of added complexity. I do question why I don’t focus on the simplicity if I desire something to be simple or simpler. When the desire is for simple, set complexity aside altogether. When the desire is for simple, attempt to see, feel, hear the truth.

Simple rises from truth.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

97 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Takeaways #3

Oops! I’m posting this late for my Monday, October 29, 2018 post. What I love about this challenge is that sometimes I just get into it and enjoy the process. Something about the practice keeps me going. Everyday builds upon the last.

PRACTICE.

I made today’s #3 Top Ten Takeaway visual and it says “Practice is becoming.” A moment ago, a slight variation popped into my mind: Practice becomes you. I kind of like that. It’s a compliment and a reminder. Practice looks great on you!

The tricky part is that sometimes we are unconsciously and consistently practicing habits that do not look good on us. Lack of sleep, nutrition and exercise are a few that are not looking good on me. Even beyond that, my tendency to view myself as someone others view as negative and lacking is a practice of becoming that I’d like to minimize. I’m surrounded by amazing people all the time and I am so impressed by them, it’s difficult to see how I fit in and see that I have any worthy contributions. This sounds like some weak, low self-esteem, but it is actually something many people experience. We are fascinated by each other. We think we are less than, because we know all of our secrets, our fears and weaknesses, and the times we struggled or failed.

It’s all kind of silly, but feels very serious and real when it happens.

This challenge has been such a great daily reminder of the idea that consistent practice over a significant timespan is the process of becoming.

I believe the next part of becoming is to practice going deeper in order to add more dimension and grounding. This sounds more time consuming and specific. I imagine it will take me lots of practice time going more in-depth to become a better writer, a better me. Because I have been practicing daily for almost 100 days, I feel I am ready for further development.

I’m also ready for more fun! I haven’t decided how I will celebrate the culmination of my  #100daychallenge, but a great idea would be to go to sleep on time!!!

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

I believe it, do you?

96 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Takeaways #3

Over the weekend I completed Pranic Healing Level I. I really enjoyed the training and learned so much about Pranic Healing, several religious traditions and cultures, yoga, the chakras and the symbolism and interconnectedness of it all. I also realized I had forgotten how it feels to exist in one world that feels right to me from the inside out.

I am an energy worker.

I say I am an energy worker because I feel and I know that it is an important part of why I am here and how I can be of service to others in a way that is mutually supportive and beneficial. I’ve had this sense that there is a difference between an energy worker and an energy healer. I don’t know if I can really describe it, but it feels like it’s about the work and it encompasses healing and more because eventually, we need to get beyond healing. I also believe that the healing process begins when a person is truly open and ready to allow and support themselves to heal. This isn’t a fully developed knowing, but I have not yet been able to embrace the identity or title of “energy healer.” Energy worker feels true and right in me. Maybe a distinction is that I’m looking at it from my point of view, versus the client’s point of view, and I’m preferring my own terminology even though it may be confusing or less effective in communicating with others (until I’ve sorted this out. From my point of view, this is my job and it is my job to show and do the work without any specific intention or judgment. “Healing”, perhaps seemingly has more expectations and implications implied. I’m still not sure, but those are some thoughts to continue to expand on and do some q+a around.

During the training, I have been realizing how important and specific terminology, meaning and intention are in energy work. The terminology of SourcePoint Therapy® resonates with me so easily and so deeply. I am excited that Pranic Healing and SourcePoint Therapy® seem complementary in practice and philosophy. It will be interesting to start practicing and getting acquainted with this new modality.

Although, I have to acknowledge that one of the most interesting things I learned this weekend is that I have already been practicing some Pranic Healing techniques that have come to me naturally through working with clients. There were also some nice overlaps and connections to Kundalini yoga practice.

Here’s a link to a simple loving-kindness Pranic Healing meditation we learned in class: Twin Hearts Meditation.

Gotta get some rest…night!

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

95 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Takeaways #5

Sometimes I do not want to do what I have to do. I waste time, energy and emotion resisting and avoiding. I wish I could resolve the feeling by giving up, letting go and not caring.

resist resistance.

I am learning to resist resistance from within in order to keep my promises to myself. It feels awful and awesome throughout that process. In the past, I used to find ways to give myself permission to not follow through, but I often carried some guilt and disappointment after the fact.

In order to be clear and free to live, sometimes it is necessary to do the work and followthrough no matter what. I am developing my ability to discern the many voices, opinions and truths inside.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

The art of awareness and alignment.

94 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Takeaways #6

As I reflect on this #100daychallenge, I have been finding connection with the humility and humor of the snippets that didn’t fit. I’m calling them the outtakes.

outtakes.

The outtakes are kind of a bummer, because they don’t really fit in the spaces they were meant to or that they originated in. Yet, they are their own thing of beauty. Sometimes without a specific place or connection means that there is no qualifier or sense of contingency or validation involved. The outtakes are their own dimension, adding dimension to the parts and the whole. Enjoy, cringe, smile, relate, judge…whatever.

60

When I have to do things fast.

I can and I do.

And, it doesn’t feel too bad.

I just don’t like feeling rushed or inauthentic.

61

Ew. Why is being close-up so difficult.

More of a statement than a question I’m feeling.

Taking selfies is an interesting process and pyschology.

Ultimately, it seems mostly positive and like something everyone should try.

62

Feeling the weight of Fall.

I like it better when I can have fun with this thing I’m doing.

63

Confusion about yes is no.

64

This reminds me how we often feel it necessary to be fair and just, imagining pros and cons, and playing devil’s advocate. This process serves a purpose for sure, but sometimes I just wonder if we really need to do that so much. Only because we live in an excessive experience.

65

Justice is not a system.

It will find you.

Times like these

I cannot get myself to participate

Drilling me down

Into my own tiny space

To do my work

To know my own imperfection and goodness

To hear my own voice

66

I guess at the moment, I am not feeling particularly inspired.

67

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed about everything. There is too much to do. I don’t want to keep up with all of it. But, then it also drives me crazy that I am not keeping up with it.

68

Thoughts and feelings...

Mixed up or just mixed

Feeling feelings is not the feeling I want, at times

69

I bother myself sometimes

It’s the worst

70

You know

71

Wow

This

72

Up.

73

When we hear someone express any words of love or admiration toward us, it triggers a process. We hear what is being said and in that process, we are simultaneously relaying the message to the whole and what happens next is that we either allow the frequency of the words and the intentions to wash over and through our whole selves — or, we reject, unable to accept or believe.

74

you know what i feel?

i feel like i just don't want to be anywhere sometimes.

if i could disappear without dying

i would

there is no place like home

because everywhere is home

and nowhere is home

sometimes i wish i could un-know

things

thoughts

people

parts of myself

things that i've seen

things that i've said

things that i've heard

things that i've done

things that i haven't seen

things that i haven't said

things that i haven't heard

things that I haven't done

things that i know i don't know

things that i know i will never see, say, hear or do

75

I have no idea what I want to write about, but I guess it doesn’t matter anyway I am not really in charge of that anyway.

Sometimes I just need a refuge

There is nothing better when you find a refuge.

It’s really a challenge to write and watch a movie at the same time.

76

Here I am. Just ready for this challenge.

I am avoiding the feeling I have

We live life in layers.

77

Drawn out.

Always taking my sweet ass time.

It is actually usually pretty sweet if I take my time and go my way.

78

Sometimes I just don’t know what to write about.

I don’t like being too busy.

I forgot to meditate.

I don’t actually feel that bad about it.

It’s a reminder of what happens when I don’t do things when I should and the cascade effect of how it throws everything off a bit when I finally follow through or make progress on something that I’ve been putting off.

Right now what I want to be thinking about is my conversation.

I haven’t taken the time to tune-in to see if this is truly what I want.

I think it is the truth and so sometimes, want is irrelevant.

There is something very powerful and clean about that reality.

Take post-its down and refresh with intention.

79

Locked in.

Not by choice.

Entangled in pattern.

Infinitely protected from nothing.

80

The people I have the privilege to know and be with makes me feel worthy and special.

My company matters.

We are small, yet expansive.

81

I have been avoiding writing to you.

I don’t know how to say the things I want to say.

I think you already know how much you have done for me, but it’s infinitely more.

Thank you for sharing your family with me and m.

I remember knowing that you had to make a decision about me.

I know it wasn’t easy.

82

I am distraught

I hate everything

I do not know how to be human

It’s too many things

83

I have learned how to honor my commitment to myself through my meditation practice and this challenge.

84

It’s past the end of the day as I’m writing this and I just don’t care what I write.

I hope I can just get through this post and whatever happens, happens.

I have to go to the people and places where I can express myself fully.

I think those people and places exist.

The challenge is, do I exist?

I notice that my way of talking and writing is as similar as it is different.

When I speak, I am generally trying not to say anything. I’m never certain how much I really want to share. It’s really odd, because I genuinely love being with people, but I prefer it when they do the talking.

Blah blah blah

85

People are important.

86

I live in some kind of dreamy dream land where I come in contact with you only as a projection of me.

Today is kind of a hard day.

It’s one of those times when I’m realizing that it’s time to be with me and only me again. Sometimes I feel the feeling like I can

87

I live for the crescendos and diminuendos in life.

I am co-creator

Sometimes I want to live in suspended reality

You know, I have to say that I am distracted from my goals.

Life crescendos and spreads or flows out.

Life crescendos.

I don’t know what the f I’m writing right now.

I am trying to get this stupid challenge done, even though I’d rather be watching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

I don’t know what I am doing.

I really don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I do know what I’m doing.

I do know what I’m doing.

I’m excited.

88

For a long time, I’ve been thinking that I am not a good writer.

But, I am a good writer, because my intention is good.

I just understood this a few moments ago.

Another realization or ride through the dimensions twists me out of the construct and out into the openness where anything can be.

89

Third eye.

90

Sometimes I am a real fool. I think I know a lot. I do know a lot.

Sometimes I think I know what I am doing and then I don’t. But I do!

91

The only real wants in life are the ones I am willing to and actually work for without limitations.

Discernment is the key to a peaceful life

Wants are worthless

92

I am not funny.

Maybe that’s why I appreciate comedians and comedy so much.

93

I always think and feel I am dumb, but secretly believe I’m really smart.

My experiences lead to the best theories.

I am able to find the right solutions and takeaways for myself.

94

I am dreadful.

I am full of dread.

This time of year is simply dreadful

Orientation.

The less I do the less I do

The real connection is in the outtakes

With #alltheloveandnoexcuses ❤️

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

93 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Takeaways #7

Some days I can’t seem to get it together. I want to honor this challenge and make it a great experience, but there are times when I am just not feeling it.

Not that good.

Tonight, my daughter had a lot of homework and she was worrying a lot that she wasn’t going to do well on a test tomorrow and that she wasn’t understanding some of her other homework. She got through the worrying part of the process and did her work. It’s not interesting or engaging to do work when there’s a lot of expectation and requirement involved. When she finished something she had been working on for awhile, she said, “Okay, that’s done. Maybe it’s not good, but that’s fine.”

I liked the way she said this to herself. She said it so matter-of-factly, like she was giving herself a break from trying to get everything perfect, and she was totally okay and satisfied that she had completed the assignment.

She didn’t know it, but I was feeling the same way about working on my #100daychallenge this evening. I felt grateful that she was learning to work through her own process and that I was lucky enough to learn from her experience, too.

I was reminded of something she wrote on a table in pencil when she was younger:

I remember thinking how great it was that she knew that and expressed it, and that I found it. It’s a lot of pressure I put on myself and create for her the way I’m always trying to do and be better. It gives the wrong message and causes issues for myself and sometimes others. I don’t recall the conversation, but I could never let this feeling and brilliance of hers go unacknowledged.

I do think it’s important to do my best and put genuine effort and interest into everything I do, but not at the mercy of others and my own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual enjoyment.

For some things and some days, it’s best to just get it done and get on with living life :)

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

92 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Takeaways #8

Today, I am feeling really tired and I want to go to sleep soon. My goal is to go to sleep before 11:30pm.

My body wants a better life.

This #100daychallenge really challenged my relationship with my body. I did not do a good job of respecting and supporting my body. I weigh the most I’ve ever weighed in my life and it feels terrible. This is not a pity party, it’s me knowing my body and my habits and being real about how I’m seeing and feeling the effects of how I’ve been mistreating my body for some time now.

I’ve not been getting enough sleep for several years and even when I do sleep, it is not restful. I am taking steps to try and change my routine and habits to help me get some quality sleep. Sleep is important. Lack of sleep ages us and makes the lack of self-care visibly and energetically less attractive.

When I put my body first, life feels significantly better.

The body makes me realize how much every thing no matter how small, matters. The worst part is that my body feels weak and overly tired and resistant. It’s extremely uncomfortable physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. It is the multi-dimensional key to everything good in life. It is the first thing that I am willing to compromise and neglect.

I am taking steps to take care of myself better and will be working on integrating good sleep hygiene and exercise. I cannot let me by down or it will have no choice but to breakdown and eventually let me down. I am transforming my relationship with my body so that I’m fueling it with everything it needs to support the whole of me. It’s very doable, but will require a strong daily practice and commitment.

Time for sleep.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

91 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Takeaways #9

Yesterday I said that it was the ten day countdown, but I was wrong…I don’t like to be inaccurate with this sort of thing, but it’s okay. Day 100 will be it’s own thing.

I can only do one thing at A time

What a relief. Honestly, I can actually really only do one part of one thing at a time and sometimes even less than that. I’m very happy with this admission. It is my nature to feel best when I can immerse myself and enjoy the one thing I am doing. It is my nature to find refuge in the real, real truths that are inseparable of me.

For a long time, I have been pressuring myself to do more and I perpetually feel I am never doing enough or that I could have done something or many things better.

Is it better to fail or perform at a low level in multiple areas or is it better to fail and integrate on a real level in one area?

I choose the latter. In my observation, the people I admire the most are really good and committed to one thing. They took the time to get good and to continue to learn that one thing and their whole self through that one thing. Eventually, they enjoyed a variety experiences because others were drawn to their work and their character. They are themselves wholly and humbly.

I am a clear and simple person, when I allow myself to be. I am most comfortable one-on-one. The energy of singularity is my nature and feels peaceful. What’s most important to me is the state of my character at the beginning, middle and end of each day.

Work is different than a job or a career. Work is work. But, my work, now that’s a different thing or perhaps, being. I call it mine, but it does not belong to me, it’s more of an acknowledgement that I am the one who must do the work. It is my one thing always through and through. It comes through me, like a ray of light. I can see back through time that it has always been there, but I felt I needed to double check (for decades), just in case it wasn’t my only option or because I wanted some kind of guarantee before trying it out.

Misunderstanding our misunderstanding of free will.

I believe in free will, but I also think that I believe that there is just one thing for each of us.

This is so human to use free will to choose everything else before we are willing to choose the thing that is already a part of us. This dimension really skews the way we understand the messages, but it’s understandable because the frequencies here are constantly being manipulated or artificially generated. What makes more sense when you look at life as a child or an adult with a certain amount of awareness, is to understand that free will is choice or empowerment to be who we are, because that is what is best for us. Instead, we prefer to interpret and imagine that free will has to do with creating choices for ourselves to choose because we can.

This is a really important takeaway for me. It felt like I had to give up so much to use my free will to choose to do my work, but I have come to know the difference. Awareness unfolds sheath-by-sheath and eventually I was able to see the illusion.

Discernment is a necessary tool and skills practice, each and every day. The practice of awareness and discernment helped me know for myself that one thing is related to purpose, and many things are related to confusion and distraction.

One thing also encompasses much more than I realized. One thing is not limiting the way I anticipated it to be. One thing is freeing and creates expansion and connection through the dimensions in ways that allow me to see and understand so much more. One thing allows me to be the universe and let everything come into my awareness rather than seeking it out and trying to put all the pieces together across the vastness in one place that makes sense and feels right.

I can only do one thing at a time. This also means I’m free to want what I have and have what I want.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

90 of #100daychallenge: Top Ten Takeaways #10

Today marks the beginning of the last ten days of my write everyday #100daychallenge, so I want to use these last days to identify my top ten takeaways.

Labor of love + Time Limits = Sanity

I really need to set time limits on myself. This is is not something I always want to do because I really enjoy the process of allowing things to come through, and because I like to feel connected to what I’m writing and sharing. However, if I’m being honest, I have to admit that when I did put a time limit on myself, it all worked out fine. This is life. Sometimes we just have to go and get things done without being so precious about the who, what, when, where, how and why. There is something very relatable about the nature of the writing that has a time limit. The expectations are much more reasonable. There seems to be an understanding that there is always more, so don’t worry if what’s on the page is not perfect. Take what you need and notice what’s missing or what you want more of. How will I use this? I think it is a great way to get myself to write when I don’t feel like it. Less pressure along with the freedom to stop or keep going if I’m into a good groove.

Bottom line: I like to do whatever I want, when I want, how I want and for my own reasons or purpose. Any kind of expectation can cause an adverse reaction or complete avoidance. I know this about myself, so I play a lot of mental games and makeup boundaries that can be crossed. I can embrace a time limit as an easy way out of something I don’t feel like doing without fully compromising my true desire to followthrough. Another way I can embrace a time limit is if the larger goal is to allow myself more freedom to do something else that I want to do. That said, it only works for me if I still have the option of blowing other things off to stay focused if I feel that’s what I want or need.

Is it kind of hilarious that what I just described allows me to keep my sanity? I can’t explain why I work this way, but this is just the way it works best for me. Inevitably, this is the one thing I cannot fool or negotiate with myself to change. It keeps life interesting and that is also crucial to my sanity.

At 10:50pm, I said I was going to give myself 15 minutes to write this post, but it’s now 11:21pm. Now I am ready to meditate and get ready for bed.

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

Yes is YES. Everything else is a no until it becomes a YES.

89 of #100daychallenge: pretend

I was so tired when I wrote yesterday’s post, it did not feel good and I did not enjoy taking that selfie at all. Tonight, I want to get this posted and be in bed in about an hour.

Regarding the end of the #100daychallenge, I am still unsure as to what I will do next, but I do want to continue writing daily. I’m sensing this idea that I can learn and learn and learn; seek and seek and seek and write and write and write. However, it’s all in vain if I do not pause and step back to take a look to see it all. With this in mind, I am thinking of dedicating some time to editing and continuing to develop some of the fragments and topics that interest me most from what I’ve already written.

We are a strange creature and culture the way we pretend and pretend not to pretend. It’s all as pretend as it is real and serious. The separation and distinction are only defined by choice. The things we like the best in life seem to be the ways some thing or some one makes us feel, so we say…Truly, I think what we like best in life are the feelings of alignment, connection and purpose. Love is the name of it, but it’s more than a feeling, it’s a frequency, as well as our birthright and purest sense of self.

Time’s up on this blog post…bedtime. Yay!

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

The longest my legs have ever looked.

88 of #100daychallenge: double infinity

Starting to feel that bittersweetness of an end nearing…

I went to kundalini class this morning and we worked on the 8th body, the pranic body and I was reminded that today is all about 8. Day 88 = Double Infinity for me. Not sure what that means, but can imagine. Actually, the Double Infinity is a term that may be perfect for describing where I spend most of my time. The infinite keeps compounding and multiplying. I get lost in the infinite spaces.

During kundalini class, I often become more aware of how and where I am putting my life force energy and why I feel depleted. I know that I feel depleted because I’m putting a majority of my energy towards things outside of me. I can barely breathe sometimes, because I’ve left my breath go out into the world rather than truly understanding it and using it as life force energy to fuel and support everything I am and do.

At the rate I’ve been going, I could die at any time and am probably already dying on the inside, because I’m not giving myself enough oxygen, water, nutrients or recovery time aka sleep. I feel the tension in my jaw, neck, shoulders, back and hips. My ears do not hear as well as they could due to the muscle strain coming through the jaw.

The idea of life force energy has always been fascinating and resonated with me, but I am now able to see a whole new world each time I experience and reconnect with my pranic body. I was reminded of the importance of staying connected to my breath and allowing it to fill me, rather than trying to control. My pranic body feels like it has the ability to expand infinitely, if I continue to stay connected and work with it.

It feels so important to keep up with spending time breathing, exercising and sleeping for more energy!

Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.

Brightly,

Laura

Halfway here and halfway invisible.