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I'm getting the Fall feels right now. Fall is my new year.
I'm tired! I want to hit the pause button on everything and take a nap suspended in time.
Time for sleep...
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Brightly,
Laura
When I was a kid, I had a whole family of best friends across the street on Palace Ave. Fun to see everybody! Happy Bridal Shower, Devorah!
Today, my daughter and I went to a bridal shower for a neighbor that I used to babysit. Actually, I would hang out with the three girls and their parents quite a bit. Looking back, I realize that I was maybe a pesky neighbor kid, but I really loved them and enjoyed spending time with all of them.
It's so interesting how we know people and people know us at different parts of our lives and sometimes we lose touch, but you still kind of know each other. The gaps don't really matter that much.
I haven't been so great at keeping in touch with people. Not because I don't want to. I don't really know why, but I kind of get lost in my own world and I tend to fly solo a lot. Days like today really remind me of how much I really enjoy being around others and how important it is to get out of my comfort zone.
After the bridal shower, we went to my friend's amazing birthday party! It was outside, with a live dj playing awesome music and so many lovely and cool people. We didn't get to stay too long, but it was the kind of gathering that just felt like a movie moment. What an amazing person to have this party and have such wonderful friends and family to celebrate with! Her brilliance shines and lights us all up. It would have been fun to stay and dance, because I think I maybe would have felt free enough to bust out of my shell for a bit.
I am so extremely grateful for what feels like many lifetimes of friends and family.
Wahe guru.
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Brightly,
Laura
Last night, after I finished my post, I realized that the visual that I did for open heart wasn't quite true to how I sense open-heartedness because there was only an outward flow. I believe open-heartedness is also about being receptive and open to receiving. I created another visual of this idea.
I have to go to sleep, so I'm keeping this post short.
It was a fun day and I feel grateful for our friends who prepared a wonderful meal for us today. They are the kind of friends who remind me of what it is to be a good person and how to enjoy life.
Sometimes this challenge seems in vain.
I'm getting weary of taking photographs of myself, but there is also something kind of good about getting over my own judgment and just doing it anyway.
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Brightly,
Laura
black, white and gray area
I think: do not entangle yourself with a confused person.
I remember: everyone has some kind of confusion.
I think: Do not entangle yourself with a confused person who does not have [choose] some level of awareness.
I think: Sounds judgmental and righteous.
I remember: Know the difference. Do not be confused and get caught up.
I think: It is primarily self-confusion that I must be mindful of most.
I remember: Awareness is the key.
I think: My mind is open.
I remember: My heart is closed.
I think: My mind is closed.
I remember: My heart is open.
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Brightly,
Laura
Confusion. I think. I remember.
Tonight, I ordered Thai food for takeout from a small restaurant that is notorious for being extremely slow, even when you order ahead of time. I know this, so I don’t get impatient or frustrated. I just look forward to when it is ready.
Worth the wait.
Yes. It is always worth the wait. The red curry is nourishing and smooth, with a satisfying bite to it. The broccoli, carrots, cabbage and peppers are vibrant and crisp. The tofu is cubed and cooked perfectly.
When I eat a meal that I love, I am always reminded of my emotional relationship with food. I love food, but when I’m weak or feeling down, I am a cliche. I indulge and later am consumed by feelings of guilt and disgust. A lot of people understand this pattern. While I do not believe I have an eating disorder, I do believe there are compulsive patterns that hold me back from being as healthy and fit as I imagine I can be.
Food and fitness are two of my most challenging goals to be consistent about, so I often feel like I am not making progress. In the next year, I would like to have fun with food in fitness in a way that integrates healthy behaviors, so that I feel great and spend less time denying, indulging and feeling guilty.
Not worth the weight.
As I sat in the booth looking forward to my food, I realized that, I too, am worth the wait. I have transformed quite a bit in the last five years and I can see now that I am worth the wait. I will always be worth the wait.
Because I have this mindset about myself, I can imagine that you are also worth the wait.
More and more, I am willing to go without and I am willing to wait as long as necessary for the right things and people.
I like this idea of changing my feeling of waiting to a feeling of looking forward.
Little things like this can make a great difference.
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Brightly,
Laura
I've been taking a writing class, so I've been working on those assignments as well. I'm learning a lot and am looking forward to getting feedback. It's a great feeling to complete my first assignment. It has been challenging and I know there's a lot of room for improvement on the assignment I submitted today.
I love writing so much. It keeps me humble and bright.
Tomorrow is my last speed reading class. I haven't been practicing enough, but it is a great skill, and Blink by Malcolm Gladwell is a great book! Schools ought to teach kids how to speed read in school. It's very easy and provides some basic thought processes that are helpful to understanding the why and encourage comprehension.
Yesterday, I wore shorts to work and forgot to shave one of my legs.
That's all for today!
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Brightly,
Laura
Write on!
Give the people what they want.
Honestly, not my first instinct, so I'm learning more and more about this right now. I don't know that it's a matter of not wanting to give people what they want or that I am rebelling. I think it's more that I need to know what I want, so that I know what I'm giving and why. In fairness, I am not in the habit of giving myself what I want without question.
With this #100daychallenge, I have been including a photograph or illustration of myself as the third visual on instagram. I took a selfie after I voted to include in today's post and I made the decision to make it the first visual for today's @instagram post because that's what people want to see today. And, I agree that it's important. I do want people to know I voted, that I value my rights and I believe I matter and have impact.
After I voted, I went to our neighborhood block party, and it was fun. Although, people who know my do not believe I am shy, I do clam up in social situations and sometimes avoid talking to new people. I never understand why this is still an issue as an adult, it is actually very uncomfortable and embarrassing, but I'm aware and know I can change. There are unfortunate side effects of this compulsive tendency. Sometimes people think that I do not like them, am not interested or that I am simply aloof. It's actually the opposite. I like everyone. I find them fascinating. I am simply an observer and often put others on a pedestal. If people saw what I see about them, they would feel amazing and worthy everyday.
At the block party, I saw someone I coached when they played volleyball in junior high! She lives right around the corner from me and has two of the cutest kids I've ever seen. It was fun to see her and so crazy that we've been neighbors for five years and didn't know it until this year. That is mind boggling. She's a cool person. Real. I'm glad she is happy and doing well. I'm looking forward to more neighborhood activities, even though shyness still trips me up sometimes. Seeing everyone come together really makes me feel grateful for our neighborhood and makes it feel safer.
Give the people what they want.
It's a great mantra that I must keep in mind for social situations, because people just want to connect, take a break from the to do's and laugh a little. I am also sensing that this is a mantra that I must keep in mind as I write my book. I've been writing for myself all my life and sometimes to others, but I've never really considered writing for an audience larger than one or two. I'm learning about the book proposal process and it is very clear that I do need to consider if I am giving the people what they want — agents, publishers, booksellers, editors and readers. This is extremely challenging and I'm learning a lot, because I am not an extremely gifted writer. I get a lot out of my writing and sometimes people I know have been touched by it, but I truly do not know if a stranger would find it valuable or enjoyable. In the beginning, I told myself that I am writing this book for myself and that I didn't want to think about writing for a specific result or group of people. There's still a bit of fear that I won't be able to finish it if I start considering marketing too much before I even have a full draft.
Give the people what they want.
It doesn't just have one meaning. It's the kind of thought that can be considered and useful in one way and then flipped in different directions for more consideration and uses. Sometimes I am the people and I need to give me what I want. Sometimes it's letting family members be. Sometimes it's foregoing what I want for the collective good.
I really love writing. I really don't care if nobody is reading my writing, but I like being able to share it. I really do appreciate it when someone tells me that what I'm sharing has affected them. It's more about the concepts and the expression, than the technical aspects of being a great writer. I am a great writer just because I love it so much always. It doesn't get in the way of my relationships or ability to learn with others. I'm glad I showed up today to write what I'm reading.
Maybe you voted today, maybe you didn't. Notice how you feel. If you did vote, what did you do to guarantee the action you took? If you did not vote, why didn't you feel like it or what got in the way? No judgment. Just a few moments to notice the patterns inside of you that affect what works and doesn't work for you. It's none of my business, of course. I noticed that I kind of wanted to skip it because I was hungry and tired after work, but then I knew it would break me down if I didn't vote. I have this feeling ingrained in me that there simply is no excuse for me to not vote.
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Brightly,
Laura
Committed. Defiant.
I was not feeling the challenge today.
Some days I just don't feel it, but I'm staying committed. Everyday, I'm grateful that I'm not letting my emotions and judgment get in the way.
Change and creation are in motion! Something is happening here. I'm not entirely sure what, but as I write this, I am seeing how I have expectations for whatever shows up in the writing and the visuals. I want them to connect. I want them to make sense. I don't want to spend too much or too little time. Nothing should be forced. It should be fun. That's a lot of expectation and clutter for thoughts and ideas to work their way through.
No wonder I wasn't feeling it...
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Brightly,
Laura
I don't always share my thoughts without thinking them through for awhile until I know how I feel about them. That's what is kind of fun about this #100daychallenge. I don't have time to think things through. I just have to see what happens and go with it. Why not?
Success does not equal purpose. Feels true...
I've been thinking about purpose quite a bit. Purpose is almost so simple and straightforward that we cannot believe it and we get confused. Honestly, I think purpose is often not what we want it to be. Or, even if it is what we want it to be, we experience a bit of a crisis when we know our purpose. It means that we have to give up the mystery. It means that we cannot fudge or manipulate alignment. Some of the dreams, possibilities and options we saw for ourselves are major detours to the realms of our purpose. Eventually, we have to choose. We can choose anything. Anything is possible. Possibilities aligned with purpose create constellations. Constellations are not as limited as they may seem from Earth's view.
I don't actually really know what that means, but there's something there that I will continue to explore about purpose and some sense that it helps us understand our shape and the directions that are most accessible for expansion.
Today, I went to an awesome pull-up workshop led by a friend and former co-worker, Addie Larson. Addie is a yogi and a ninja warrior. I've been so inspired by her instagram posts and seeing what she can do that I had to sign up for the workshop! I have a lot of strength to build before I will be able to do a pull up without the bands, but it was so helpful to get familiar with the muscles and the steps involved.
At the workshop, I said that I want to be able to do one pull up by the end of this year. On the inside, I'm thinking that would be nice, right? This means that I need to get real about whether or not I truly am willing to commit to that goal. I have a lot of lat, upper body and core strength to build up to get where I want to be. Even before that, I have a lot of internal strength and beliefs that I need to build up and part of me is not sure that I can add another goal right now. This would be a great goal because the strength I would build in my upper body could alleviate some of the tension I have in my neck and shoulders. Building up my internal strength and squashing the thought that I might not be able to do it would open up new realms of opportunity and confidence for me. I'm going to keep considering this and I'll know when it has become a real goal that I am working toward. I may regret mentioning this, but as I was making soup this evening, I had an ambitious thought of getting to 40 by March...
I don't think life is about being happy. I think it's about the things that lead us or open us to the feeling of happy. I believe that Learning is about equal to Happy for me.
Thoughts I'm thinking...
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Brightly,
Laura
I’m just not here today.
I'll be baaaaaaaack...
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Brightly,
Laura
In my dreams...
Today was a good day.
Tonight, I just want to watch this show on Netflix.
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Brightly,
Laura
Cringing, not crying. I'll have what I'm having. Whatever it is or isn't.
— 2018 —
Everything is business.
Conception, birth, life, death, spirituality.
Everything is tracked and measured.
Happiness.
Fortune.
Thoughts.
Talent.
Depression.
Appearance.
Relationships.
Business.
Business is busy-ness.
We’re choosing.
We’re investing.
We’re amplifying.
We’re measuring.
Follow @blueprintwellness.life to see my #writing #alltheloveandnoexcuses #100daychallenge unfold.
Brightly,
Laura
Today is like yay! No reason why really, that’s just how it feels.
I really got nothing much to say. I still got a lot to do, but it feels like fine and okay and not like things to do are in charge of me.
I want to talk like Guru Singh. No “ums” or “uhs” or “likes”. He talks for hours this way. I think this is the natural effect of being connected with intention and being fully present. I also like the way he opens up language and talks about the meaning of the word and the fundamental electrical charge or vibration. We are often confused and unaware of the dimensions of our words and meanings.
I want to write like Guru Singh. I read his morning prayer everyday and am inspired by the connections and truths he’s bringing into consciousness. Sometimes I do write from my own state of awareness and it’s extremely inspiring. Mostly, my writing is getting caught up in me, but I believe that is only because I haven’t been writing often enough to let the threads of thought untangle. It’s also time for me to sit with what I’ve written and work it from more of the directions in order to understand and communicate the fuller message and its purpose.
The truth is that I want to talk and write with my whole self and pure intention. That is what I’m getting at through my observations and appreciation of Guru Singh. When I feel or hear myself say I want to be like someone else or I admire what someone is doing, it is not because I do not want to be who I am or I believe they are better than me. It is because I want to be more of who I am, similar to the way I see and feel them being more of who they are without judgment or reservation.
There are teachers everywhere. The best teaching and learning have been the experiences that feel disruptive and uncomfortable. I know these to be huge growth opportunities if I am willing to do the painful work of thinking and acting differently. These are the greatest challenge, because usually I have to make a conscious choice to stay in a pattern or not. This includes working through the process of right and wrong, should and shouldn’t and why do I always have to be the one to do the hard work or make the sacrifice? Because I have the awareness and power to do so. If I choose not to use that power, that is okay, but then I must also accept the real truths about right and wrong, should and shouldn’t, who’s doing what to whom and that the negative pattern will continue.
I am choosing something all the time. Even at the subconscious and unconscious levels I am making decisions. They are so subtle, I often barely notice I have choice at all. In a sense they are micro-decisions, something like decisions within decisions perhaps, but these decisions have ferocious impact and influence on my thoughts, behaviors and reality. I’m getting better at paying attention and working through this process. This is a significant part of the process of transformation and how I have been able to create real and lasting change in my life.
On a less intense, but related note. I really need to get a new pedicure and treat my feet well. They are amazing and work hard so hard for me. They deserve more recognition!
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Brightly,
Laura
The spirit and the body are in cahoots to serve the expression of your true self.
Either surrender and you will see.
Or, don’t surrender and they will show you.
On this 14th day of my #100daychallenge, I am reminded that I can surrender and trust I will do everything I must to do and that things will happen if and when they are meant to happen. 14 is my number. I was born on the day after my daughter, so today is a day to honor myself.
I'm honoring my body and spirit, because they are brilliant — overwhelmingly intelligent beyond the capacity of intellect and emotion.
Sometimes, I say a desperate prayer asking for help to just let me be when I am tired and need a break. Last night, I said that prayer and today was one of those days I was able to do the things I wanted to do with ease and focus. I felt content in the moment and at the end of the day.
Prayer is supercharged by surrender. Surrender removes all the obstacles and obstructions. Trust rises up. State of purity. Everything concentrated and amplified. Energetic harmony. Peace.
Grateful for each day.
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Brightly,
Laura
It’s day 13 of my #100daychallenge! The number 13 always reminds me of my daughter, because she was born on the 13th, and it’s her favorite number. Therefore, this 13th post is going to be about how lucky I feel to have her in my life!
I am so grateful for my daughter. I am constantly learning from her and receiving more clarity about myself. If that sounds a bit narcissistic, it very well may be, but for me it’s an important part of parenting to be paying attention to who I am internally and externally. More and more, I realize that I am here to support her and help provide time and space for her to learn about who she is. I cannot protect her from taking risks or experiencing mistakes, but I can trust her to learn what she needs to learn in the ways that will best serve her. And, most importantly, I can be there for her to let her know she is absolutely and always loved no matter what happens. I hope she will learn for herself that the purpose of life is to be yourself, let others be themselves and to remember we are all connected. Hopefully, the life lessons won’t be too painful or harmful to her or anyone else.
Parental issues...
Parents are weird. I am one, so I can say that. Being a parent is difficult, I worry about so much and sometimes have bad self esteem about whether or not I truly am a good parent, so then I put pressure on myself to be a better parent. This unintentionally translates to this idea of me wanting my kid to be better or do better, which also gives the subconscious message that she isn’t enough in some way. This kills me and inevitably brings me back to me learning about my own mistakes. Here she is helping me a better person everyday and here I am projecting all of my worries and shortcomings onto her. To be fair, I know my kid is great already, but like every parent I see even more potential in her. I certainly do not want her miss out on everything she can experience for herself or for the world to miss out on everything she has to share. I think there is some confusion about how much I can really help or have influence, because the truth is, she deserves to take full credit for who she is.
If I can remember this and actively give her full credit for all that she has done and is doing without needing to pat myself on the back, I think it would be a shift in the right direction of conscious parenting. You know, she has been through a lot in her young life, more than perhaps she is even aware of, yet she is still so kind, loving and fun. She has joy!
I always want her to have her joy. Sometimes it feels like a fine line between teaching her to go through the motions and providing training and resources to integrate basic life habits to avoid mental and emotional distraction — this part gets tricky for me, because I cannot make her learn what I want her to learn from these things. Perhaps a better mindset is to have faith in the value of the delayed A-HA!
While parenting is challenging in really rewarding ways as I have just shared a bit about, it is overwhelmingly awesome in extraordinarily rewarding ways. Everyday, since from in-utero to 14 1/2, she does and says things that capture my heart. Actually, she really doesn’t have to say or do anything to capture my heart. I do think seeing her in her experience and participating amplifies what I feel for her and how grateful I am to be a part of her world. I hope that she can forgive me for the mistakes I make and see through them, the love that is always there for her.
All the love, buddy...I am the luckiest mom ever!
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Brightly,
Laura
Still not sure how I got so lucky, but a gajillion percent grateful!
I am enjoying the #100daychallenge, but I have to admit that some days it feels like it is requiring more time than perhaps it “should.” My sleep schedule has been off and I really have not been getting enough sleep, so my brain hasn’t been as clear or sharp. This week, the goal is to get back to waking up early and working out first thing. It's funny how I've been looking for some relief from the fog and suddenly I'm given an experience that does exactly what I needed...
Today has been a really fun day! My daughter, Mayzelle, and I learned Access Bars and are both certified, so we are looking forward to hosting some donation-based sessions at Blueprint Wellness later this month.
“Access Bars release the electromagnetic charge of thoughts, feelings and emotions holding all the limitation in place in over lifetimes and in your body. They delete all of the limiting points of views creating limitation, giving you access to your consciousness.”
I am feeling very calm after two sessions with Mayzelle today. My left jaw, shoulder and hip are not in pain and have a normal range of motion again without any tension or strain. This is a very significant change from how it has been feeling the past couple of weeks. I’m really excited to add another option for clients.
The method is simple and straightforward and works with 32 points on the head. We also use questions and clearing statements to help release those things that are ready to be released on multiple levels. Essentially, the questions and statements are a clear and compassionate way of making us more aware of the choices we have and for us to know what is true for us.
The Access Bars approach resonates with the Blueprint Wellness approach to energy work. I love this quote from Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Bars:
“Receiving is not done on this planet. Doing, doing, doing in order to make sure you don't have to receive is how most people live their life. This has to change. You have to be willing to receive if you are going to have the life you truly desire.”
Lately, I have been feeling like time is both limited and going fast; and I haven’t been as connected with my daughter, because we’ve both been busy. After our class, we had a great time visiting the Humane Society and making a quick trip to the grocery store. We are both feeling light and happy! It feels like we hit the reset button and started to enjoy being together without worrying about what needs to get done later today, tomorrow or this week. I highly recommend this for parents and kids.
We will post the donation events on Facebook and Instagram and are looking forward to running your bars!
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Brightly,
Laura
This time of year is when I start getting a bit anxious about the end of the year approaching and whether or not I feel I am making enough progress on my goals.
2018 is an 11 year in numerology. Last year, I started practicing Kundalini yoga and have been learning more about numerology. There is a yogi by the name of Guru Singh, who has an 8-series of podcast about the Equilibrium & Balance of this particular 11 year. After hearing Guru Singh on the Rich Roll Podcast, I started taking Kundalini at One Yoga, a non-profit yoga studio in Uptown Minneapolis.
Kundalini yoga is amazing and very different than the branches of yoga that most people practice. I love it for so many reasons, but overall it has helped me become more devoted to my higher self, practice in all areas of life and faith in my own infinite potential.
I love that much of the practice is done with the eyes closed and that we use breathwork, chanting, meditation, sound/music and postures. Kundalini is known as the “yoga of awareness,” and with each class I become more aware of my boundaries and weaknesses. Understanding my boundaries and weaknesses shed light on how I can get stronger and grow. I think I was surprised at how much science, mathematics, linguistics and many other areas I’ve learned about through Kundalini. We do a lot of things that may seem weird, but I love that because there’s a sense of humor about it and it gets me out of my mind and shell.
I haven’t been going to class lately, but I’ve consistently been doing a Kundalini meditation practice for several months. I’ve always wanted to be better about practicing yoga at home, but I think I prefer taking classes with a group because I do a better job and I love my fellow yogis. There’s a really wonderful community in the Twin Cities and amazing teachers!
Yoga is important to me and I have a strong affinity with the practice physically and philosophically. I’m looking forward to doing teacher trainings for Kundalini and Vinyasa with Laurel Van Matre in the future.
On this 11th day of my #100daychallenge, I am feeling a bit of anxiety about what I have yet to make progress on and accomplish this year, but also remembering that writing is a practice that allows me to reflect on what I have done. It’s so important to take time to remember what was good about my day/week/month/year.
I hope the year of 11 is going well for you and if, for any reason, you are feeling bad or anxious about it — please take some time to write down what has been/felt good or have a conversation with a friend to help get a more accurate perspective.
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Brightly,
Laura
Today, I was reading through my July 2016 writing and came across these words:
>> UNPLUG TO CONNECT
This message is really resonating with me right now — I am ready to unplug for the day! It is such a challenge to unplug, but yesterday I did it. I left my phone at home when I went to my office to work for a few hours and surprisingly, I didn’t miss it at all.
I’m happy to be working on my book and taking a couple of classes. Writing assignments are excellent mental and emotional training. I’m willing to do everything it takes to be a better writer and follow through on my book, but I have to acknowledge that writing is not easy for me.
>> I CANNOT FAIL THIS PROCESS.
It’s not aspirational, it’s matter of fact. What a perfect reminder for me to today. It is impossible for me to fail this process of writing my first book. I'm in it and everything I learn can only help me along the way.
I think this means I can unplug and go to sleep now!
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Brightly,
Laura
Me, July 2016
Today, I opened a letter that I had written to myself back in January of ‘oh-17,’ when I was doing the Artist’s Way. The visual above is an excerpt of some of the timeless words of encouragement I wrote to myself.
The other visual that came through was another reminder of the past, my high school signature. I remember spending a fair amount of time playing around with ideas for my signature and how I really liked the built-in heart. I still love hearts and spending time experimenting with sorting out what feels good to me, visually. I’ve always loved drawing, doodling and writing. At some point, I started to deny myself as a creative, because I’ve been surrounded by so many extremely gifted people.
I am enjoying my #100daychallenge, because it is joyful work making the visuals to help document and share my experience. The purpose is to write more, but I’m learning that writing is very visual for me and words are sometimes not enough. Pictures help convey my tone and meaning or simply do a better job of describing.
The concepts that I’m connecting with through the pictures and writing are just scratching the surface. I am looking forward to dedicating time and focus to go deeper and pulling a more complete and refined expression through.
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Brightly,
Laura
f l y a w a y...
There is no place like home.
Home really isn’t a physical place. Home is an energy and a frequency. We are less attuned to home as a frequency that exists with or without a construct. It can be stunning to find ourselves feeling wide awake and truly at home without a preferred venue or having traveled at all.
It feels like arriving and seeing that someone has both missed me in my absence and is excited to hear what I have to share, with or without words. It doesn’t matter, it just feels good to be there. Home transcends the world out there with all the accomplishments, to do's and mistakes.
I feel the feeling of coming home when I’ve peacefully turned myself inside out. I’ve become an expansive energetic space that is fully my own. This is the concept of home. The construct of home is like a fortress, for protection, separation and ownership. Imagining the concept can help us influence and transform the construct to be more practical and energetically aligned. Concepts over Constructs materialized from this kind of observation and practice.
This is just one aspect of the concept and construct of home and it is likely still just a partial picture of an understanding that will continue to emerge. Nothing is definitive when we're talking about concepts, that's the beauty and the opportunity. It's an ongoing process with all the potential we're willing to acknowledge and explore.
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Brightly,
Laura
In honor of Harry Potter's 20th Anniversary!