I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I think I’m learning more about How to not write a book, which equally contributes to the quest of learning How to write a book in its own way. Mostly, I think I am learning that I can never give up. Just because it’s not happening as quickly or as consistently as I would like doesn’t mean there isn’t something important and worth happening here. I’ll count this as a fail. It takes multiple fails to find success and early attempts always result in something that helps build some traction, even if it’s not clear at the time.

It might sound odd, but I’m learning a lot about what I don’t care about and how I do not want to spend my time and resources. And, that as unfortunate and uncomfortable it may feel, I have no choice but to be who I am. I have to start reckoning with the feeling that I have many things in my life that I no longer want or need. It feels like the start of something exciting and new or possibly something kind of heavy and humbling. It feels like I am both finding and needing to create just the basic foundation of what I feel is necessary and righteous for me at this time. It sounds like a fun experiment and I love the opportunity of letting go and just seeing what happens. Yet, I am still deliberating and feeling cautious.

I need to meditate and get to sleep, but I do think this process of wanting to get down to the core of who I am is part of my process of learning how to write my first book. I do not think I am a good writer. Though no one cares, according to the podcasts I listen to, my writing is more about processing and expressing. It sounds like an excuse, but it’s more an explanation about why I have to learn how to write a book and why it’s so challenging. I haven’t spent enough time editing, revising and learning about structure. Mostly because I just keep writing and haven’t gone back, but also because I can be rebellious. I don’t like to do things just because I’m supposed to or there’s a certain way things are done. I always want to do things my way. It’s not a great way to be, but great things can come of it. It takes me longer to do everything, but I learn so much I don’t really have any regrets.

More and more, I’m coming around to the idea that I am here to learn what it is to be me and how to be more of me more than anything else. If I can really believe this and embrace this every day all day, life will always be interesting. This means that I have the opportunity to learn from every thing and every one I encounter. It all can matter and contribute to my experience in a positive way, if I’m willing to receive it.

Tomorrow, I will complete #120daysadhana with my sobagh kriya practice. Sobagh Kriya is about prosperity. All kinds. I am still studying how this practice feels for me and what I’m noticing. I will probably keep the practice up for awhile until it feels like it’s time to change it up.

Completely,

Laura