I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I was driving to the gym today and as I was thinking this thought, I said it out loud, “ I love my life.” It’s pretty awesome. Despite my relentless inner conflict and demand to do and be better, I am aware that the experience that I’m having is really good. I am lucky.

Lately, I am very aware of some life long things I’ve envisioned for myself, but have been pressing them on myself with heavy expectations. As I was writing that last sentence, I think I just got some new clarity on why I’ve had difficulty, but I’m still processing in this moment so I’m not sure I will express it accurately here. I think the thoughts and expectations have always been in the realm of “should,” but in truth, the thoughts are coming through from the positive vision I have of myself. The vision is already there so much that I believe that I am it and the conflict of it feeling real but not being real in this dimension weakens the energetic connection that is needed to make it reality.

It’s being tapped into the limitless self. There is always more of who we are and we can always do and be better in the ways we want and must in order to feel complete and peaceful in ourselves and in life. This is probably one of the most powerful realizations that I’ve had today. The idea that the real conflict is between us and our own ability to see who we truly are, to be able to see the whole vision before it is real and also to have to figure out how to create that vision in this dimension in the way we see-feel-know it. We can’t help but feel a little incomplete and shortchanged everyday as we are slowly becoming, learning to be come who we are in all directions. We are inspired to go for the shapes and forms of what we see, but the shapes and forms we see outside of ourselves are never quite the right fit. It takes us some time to realize and remember that the shape of a thing starts from one point that expands so much that it can support / create another form.

This is my ideal life right here. Thinking my thoughts and writing. Listening to music. Being my aimless self in the good company of myself. I love people and being out in the world, but I love this more. I feel the best here. If I could write whenever I wanted I think I would move through life differently. Like floating. There are some parts of me that are extraordinarily sad about the collective reality. The parts are of and equal to the whole. There is most certainly an infinite sadness that we are living through, but the whole is the infinity of awareness. I’m not entirely sure if I know this to be true, but the thought came that everything is equal in the awareness. Everything is infinite. Everything is everything. That maybe sounds Buddhist. I don’t know enough about Buddhism in my intellect, but I believe I am aware of it and even understand it.

Earlier today, I did a 500-word count test to see how manageable that goal would be for me. It feels reasonable. I’m excited to have a better goal for teaching myself how to write my book. I’m still working on my notecards, but writing 500 words on a topic related to the book will help me get to my first draft. I can write 500 new words or transcribe relevant notecards to hit my daily word count.

I did some planning today and a Blueprint Wellness approach to planning has begun to emerge. We’ll see what happens with it and if it is an effective tool for staying devoted, optimistic, organized and action-oriented.

Completely,

Laura