I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I’ve got to be honest. I really have no idea how to write a book. It just isn’t coming naturally or even logically to me. I feel like I have a tendency to write about writing, but not actually writing what I intend to write. I haven’t quite figured out how to sit down and write with focus. Something that I’ve been feeling about this project is that I need or desperately want to see the structure of it so that I can make sense of what I’m doing. This is such a representation of my process and who I am. Sitting around, using time and energy to figure out what I want to do or how to do something rather than just doing it. I don’t know where my starting point is. Or, maybe I’ve been going all this time, but without awareness and understanding and missing the point. Or, more honestly, I think I just like to write and I don’t like to organize it or refine it to the point of changing and misrepresenting the experience, because that is the point sometimes. To just be in the experience and let the experience be what it is. Everything just got calm inside and I felt a softening of the tone inside my mind and body.

I think this is what I’m up against. I don’t want a polished piece of writing or a polished life or a polished me. I don’t mind seeing the mess and the imperfection, because it helps me understand because the truth is present in all different states and I can see "what is, in order to know why. It feels important to allow myself to stay true to my experience and vision at any given time. Writing is difficult because it has a tendency to be viewed as permanent, static and [aiming to be] definitive. I can help by assuring myself that this writing that I’ll be sharing is alive and open to its own experience; aware of its incompleteness and ability to transform or even die over time.

I’ve got to try some different things to get things moving out into the world. I really want to see everything in print, but I am wondering if a podcast or conversation style video series is going to help with the process of transcribing and organizing. Maybe it doesn’t need to be as organized as I imagine or perhaps there is a different way that organization and structure will present for this particular project.

I see that I’m unable to separate myself from the writing right now. This is part of the process of learning to be a writer out there and not just in here. It feels like I’m going to keep writing about writing in circles around myself until I’m so tangled all can do is cut myself out. My pace is slow until it’s fast.

I started to compile topics on paper, so I can start the process of outlining and imagining some possible structures. I will continue to write notecards and work on printing emails I’ve sent to myself to gather all of the writing I have that is relevant to each topic. Even though I still have so much work to do, I do feel so good that I am continuing to follow through. It has been over four years since this project began.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Do I want to wake up?

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Ask yourself to be aware and conscious of where your devotion is and who within yourself you are devoted to and what truths and parts within yourself are asking for your devotion.

Yesterday, I mentioned Susan Orlean’s reminder to include thinking as part of the writing process. I did more thinking today and understand I need to have more conversations to help me through this process. It certainly is helpful to take time to think. It is equally as important to taking action. There are a lot of ways that I can see myself getting in my own way, but with a little more time and thought, I seem to be able to okay with letting the process be what it is going to be for me at this time. I am aware and conscious of my devotion to myself, enjoying the writing process as much as possible and completing this project. I’ve been keeping up with the writing project, tuning in to share a blog post, practicing sobagh kriya and making it to the gym as much as possible. Most importantly, I feel like I’ve been getting to spend a little more time with my daughter and it is fun and inspiring for me. Thank you, Mayzelle!

Completely,

Laura