I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I went to kundalini class this morning and during savasana the thought of shaving my head came. What if I shaved my head and I had to go through the process of feeling what it would feel like to not have my long hair to protect me and make me feel secure? It would be humbling and make me feel very vulnerable. What if I shaved my head and I felt confident and stronger for not hiding underneath my hair? What if was easier and helped me have a better sense of humor and more playful sense of style? I’m sure I have a peculiar head shape and a crooked hairline, so I don’t know if I would ever follow through but it’s an interesting thought. I wonder if it would feel like starting over or like being punished or like simplicity and freedom.

I’m having an internal conversation about excess and lack, because I’m currently trying to find a balance that feels aligned and connected with my core values. The head shaving concept reminds me of my tendency to prefer drastic measures for clarity. Many of my personal challenges are tied to my sense of lack or excess, which are tied to my sense of satisfaction and imperfectness.

Even through this writing process, writing all of these notecards and having all of these notebooks feels excessive and wasteful, but I physically need to write with pen and paper sometimes. My body needs this activity and form of working. Things happen when I write. I wrote some notecards today, still moving at a very slow pace but also still enjoying reading and feeling what I feel when I read. On February 10, 2017, I got inspired and wrote a prayer. It’s really not that great, but it was more about how I was feeling as I was writing. I was flowing in a way where the words didn’t matter as much as the motion of what was happening. I was open and going with whatever came without overthinking it it or pausing. I was feeling a little embarrassed and uncomfortable about it, but I started to sense the pure happiness that prompted the prayer.

Friday, February 10, 2017

I feel so special right now in this moment
I can write a prayer
I sure can because I can feel a prayer
I can’t expect anything
But I can feel my knowing and know my feeling
Then I know myself and when I know myself
I love myself through and through
There’s music in this body
There’s motion in this soul
I know where I come from
Creativity is me
I am an expression of the universe
how lucky is me
to see I am a star in God’s constellation
Everything is inside of me
That’s how I feel
The truth is easy
The fight’s the fight
Give up the fight and go
To be moved in my own direction
I’m going to keep writing
This prayer’s a coming and
It’s for both you and me
Heavenly, the artist’s way
Sometimes I make myself cry
The feeling of feeling is so beautiful and true
I am creation
There is nothing I need create
To be me is to experience creation
Wow.
I am creativity because I have been created
I am part of creation
Wholly and fully
I want to help people feel the love and beauty for / in themselves
It’s about being comfortable with my own creation
So that I may be a beacon of creation
Awakening to our own creation
This is absolutely inside out goodness
How is it so easy?
I’m just going to keep writing
I feel and see the beauty on another level
The source level
To know that I am a part of source brings my tears of joy and relief
How can we not know that?
Because we can’t until we feel it for ourselves
We are so apt to feeling for others
Yet, we don’t want to feel for ourselves
We find novelty in feeling for others, it seems like it makes us special
What makes us special is when and what we are able to feel for ourselves
And how it comes through as expression
I am renouncing the fabrication manufacturing plant inside me
I understand how destructive these machines are to creation
Generating content
Producing creative
This is false
But there is a way to find creation
It takes a little more time and is a practice
It comes from a different place within
Not from the mind
Not even the heart of desire
It comes from a stem, a root
I can be my own writer
I don’t need to be like anyone else
I am already like everyone else
As the created, we are alike
As the created, we have this in common
As the created, we understand creation
As the created, we feel inferior
As the created, we have fear
As the created, we can disappear
As the created, we have a creator
As the created, we are connected
As the created, we can be destroyed
As the created, we are vulnerable
As the created, we are miracles
As the created, I am in love
As the created, I am love
As the created, I am loved

I love writing this prayer, it really puts me in a different space
I am back inside myself
I see what happened earlier today
I came back inside myself
I was out and I did feel that, but sometimes I don’t know how to get back to myself

I see the value in allowing myself to write a prayer when I get the feeling. Prayer writing seems like a good exercise. A prayer doesn’t need to be well-written, it can be, but I imagine intention is the true basis for a prayer. I’d like to have a well-written prayer for myself and to share with others, eventually. It’s fun to have words to recite and connect with toward a higher purpose. Maybe soon, I will revisit this idea of writing a prayer. There are a few lines I like from the prayer above. I almost edited “God” out and changed it to Creator, but I really don’t have a problem with the “sound” of God.

Completely,

Laura Peppin