I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day! This weekend has been really great. I especially felt great that I was able to make it to barre class today and yoga yesterday. Working out lifts me up so much and promotes my ability to follow through on other action items and chores. It also allows me to feel like I can take breaks and enjoy them, rather than shutting down physically and worrying internally.

Everything is good. My daughter and I got a lot accomplished today and we had fun going to the mall for a bit. We celebrated Easter today, because my sister and brother-in-law were out of town last weekend, and it was nice to share a meal and hang out. Everyone has been so busy, we rarely have dinner together. I feel grateful for family. Everyone contributes in their own way. Sometimes that can cause strain or irritation, but most of the time, our family feels complementary. Family is interesting and weird to me too, because it feels like a bunch of random people who were put together. I think a lot of people feel that way in their families, but for us we are literally five kids from five different mothers. Four of us were adopted and none of us are biologically related. Being adopted seems like the obvious reason why we were all so different and did not make sense amongst the rest of the family, but I don’t think that DNA should create so many assumptions and expectations for those who are biologically related. We are all whole individuals in our own rite, and ought to be treated as such.

Yes, it is valuable and special to know where you came from and who your people are, but I’m starting to wonder if it matters as much as it doesn’t matter. Maybe what matters most is that we can be who we are despite everything and everyone else. Maybe it’s a subject that I can’t really know for myself, since I don’t know where I came from and I probably never will. I don’t feel as if I've missed out. I love the family I’m a part of. Most importantly, I know who I am.

I do want to visit my birthplace. I must go in the next 3-5 years. It would be great to go next year, but Im holding myself back because I think I should learn some language and do more research. For some reason, I often struggle to do research before I go and my main goal when I travel is to simply see how I feel in a particular place. I definitely want to bring my daughter, too. I think it would be an amazing experience for both of us. I am afraid I will be overwhelmed with emotion and cry a lot when I’m there. I won’t let that get in the way of going, but I know it will be extremely emotional for me. I wonder if I will like it. I always imagine that I wil feel so out of place. I’ll be surrounded by people who look like me, but as an American I’ll be so different and pretty socially and culturally inept.

I didn’t realize I was going to write about family or share anything about being adopted. I guess that’s why I like writing — it’s often an adventure and reveals so much.

Earlier today, I jotted down a note about physical goals and subtle goals, because I’m prone to putting my true goals out there through the subtle realms. It seems to work best fo me. I was thinking about my goals for working out, because I haven't really mapped any out at this point. The idea is to make my physical goal focused on the number of times per week I plan on working out. My truest goals will need to be embodied by me and shared through the subtle realm. This just means that I put those goals out there quietly and indirectly pursue them — a process of working with my own brilliance, there are no words. While this idea / approach is simplistic, it is more challenging and complex before the simplicity comes through.

Must go to sleep. Buenas noches.

Completely,

Laura