I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I don’t know what to write right now. Today, I was noticing how my biggest challenge each day is all of the micro decisions I make about whether or not I choose to show up for myself. Do I wake up on time? Do I make my bed? Do I tidy my space? Do I take the time to care about my appearance? Do I workout? Do I write? Do I meditate? Do I eat healthy foods? Do I take the time to enjoy my meals? Do I eat just enough? Do I stretch? Do I prepare food for my daughter and I? Do I spend time with myself? Do I relax and enjoy my breaks? Do I take care of my stuff? Do I do what I intended to do at the time I intended?

Routine is always something I am working toward and trying to get better about, but it is also something that I am actively avoiding. I love the idea of the efficiency that routine brings, but I hate the inconvenience and expectation involved. It’s fun to do things spur of the moment or to go with the flow of how I’m feeling. The problem is that things start to stack up when I don’t do a good job of staying on top of it all. I’m being reminded everyday how important it is to show up for myself everyday AND that showing up must include consistent output of doing my work no matter what.

I’m thinking a lot about the book project, but I haven’t been doing the work. I’ve got to map out a new plan and get real about hitting my goals. These posts can be shorter or more focused on accountability and sharing along the way. I’ve been keeping the bar too low because I’m not sure if I’m going to follow through. It’s starting to become clear that I think it would be less stressful to fall short of meeting a goal than it is to keep the bar low to avoid failure. I keep forgetting how much I enjoy working on that project. Tonight, I’m going to ask questions about how and why I’m getting in my own way and I will listen for the answers in the morning.

It often feels like progress in one area means neglect and failure in others. I imagine I need to calm down, be more compassionate with expectations and take more time to connect with others. I am not in the habit of taking real breaks from the inside out. Looking forward to getting out more now that the weather is getting nice again.

Completely,

Laura