I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Yesterday, I was writing about how I’m often in many places at once without realizing it until long after the fact. This week has been like that a lot with my personal time. I have no idea what I mean to be doing. Sometimes I even write things down and completely forget to do any of it. I like to think that perhaps I’m living in the moment, but I am having difficulty shifting gears and energy from work toward home and family life. I am doing my daily practices, which is great, but I’m just keeping up and going with the flow versus selecting the destination, packing the proper equipment and steering the ship until I make it.

It’s actually quite dreadful. I have always had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I had the choice, I would choose to do nothing or at most, only do what I want to do. I like to do some hard work, so it’s not that I’m afraid of hard work.

As I am writing, I am picking up on the notion that I am perhaps unrealistic with my expectations and vision for myself. I really want to be perfect. I want to be my version of perfect, because I know it’s possible — my version of perfect is so imperfect and basic by capitalist American standards. It’s weird to write this out loud, but I have shame and humility about how basic I truly am. There is so much that I don’t want and that I don’t care about it makes me feel weird and out-of-place. It affects my ability to connect and be relatable in a majority of interactions and settings. I don’t want to move fast. I want to be slow and spirited. The desire to be my version is perfect is representative of the idea that I am in alignment with my true self. Underneath everything. I already am perfect. I just want to be that basic version of myself who doesn’t get confused or down about all of the choices available to me as a human. The feeling to want to do nothing is also indicative of simply wanting to be my basic self without needing to perform or purchase or primp.

The joy of human life is not the same as joy. Joy feels like a feeling or a frequency and not an expectation, goal or result. Here is the lack mentality revealing itself before our very eyes. Joy is within me. All I have to do is take the time to allow myself to imagine it, connect with it and feel it fully enough and long enough to believe it.

The process of teaching myself to write a book is so clunky and uncomfortable, but it’s also an interesting journey. During the day and night, I am generally cycling through the same handful of thought-feelings. When I write and meditate, I am always rewarded with a new thought or awareness that helps me to keep going and connects me to my innate sense of joy and love for myself and the collective experience.

Peace. Calm. Words that describe how two new clients felt after their first sessions this week. It’s cool to recognize the larger impact. We are creating more peace in the world when we take the time to do energy work as clients and practitioners. What a powerful takeaway!

Completely,

Laura