I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. Today did not go as planned, and it felt so good to go with the flow. I spent a considerable amount of time writing, thinking and working on notecards. Last night, I had a dream I got caught up in New York and I missed my flight home, which is something I’m not sure I’d really feel that stressed out about in real life, but in the dream I was trying to get home in time for an event with daughter. I felt so horrible when I realized I had missed my flight. It was like I had completely forgotten about my early morning flight, so I slept in and surprisingly ran into two friends from high school that I was excited to see and hang out with until I realized I was the worst parent ever. I spent the rest of the time at the airport trying to get help, but no one would talk to me and I couldn’t seem to work the computer to see if I could get a ticket for a different flight home. Eventually, the airport was closing and my friends had even left and I was all by myself trying to figure out what I was going to do as all of the lights began turning off in the airport. I woke up still feeling bad.

As I was writing my notecards, I came across one of the Artist’s Way exercises and it was a list of ten ways that I treat myself poorly. It was an accurate list and interesting to read through it and realize again how much our thoughts count and compound. The more we invest in them, the more they accumulate and grow. There are a lot of things I’m am learning and re-learning over and over. It’s like I go through a process of trying to maximize, minimize and convert parts of myself. If I would just let myself be, all of those things will happen anyway, but likely at a much smoother pace and with greater return. i guess I’ve often needed to go to the extremes in many different directions to find balance and simplicity. I forget or willingly opt away from my own true north.

Story of my life.

Though, I don’t believe that will be the story of the project I’m working on. That part is what has provided the structure for a lot of what I’ve been learning. I don’t believe it will be a main focus or theme in what I think I’m writing and understanding at this time. As I’m typing here, I’m feeling for the first time, that I really ought to be enjoying this process more. The unfolding of whatever is happening is such a great place to be, but I often struggle because I think things should be happening faster or that I’m not following through effectively.

I don’t know if every person who writes something experiences what I’m experiencing right now, but I wasn’t expecting that I would need to endure this layer-by-layer delve into my psyche. I do love this sort of thing, but I also don’t feel good about my pacing or sense of clarity on this project. It’s okay though. Things are happening as part of this process, so harm and waste are not concerns. I am hopeful that the parts and pieces will find their way toward each other to create some form. It’s a great amount of trust I must have to keep going. I will keep going. I’m doing something I have never done before. This is a great acknowledgement in itself. A powerful reminder to calm down and let some joy in so I can feel the beauty that patience radiates.

It is a good thing to be who and where I am today. I don’t always feel good and well when I wake up in the morning, but at least the writing and meditation can help me feel better. When I feel better, I remember all of the good and grand things. I think I am remembering that I am a servant. I am a servant to my true self and every part of my being is doing what it can to remind me of my purpose. It is nothing more or less than to just be me. It’s the hardest job of all, but it’s also my dream job. At this point, I haven’t even applied for the position, but I’m working on building the confidence to go for it soon.

Completely,

Laura