I am here. Here I am. Today is a new day. I am always afraid I am a horrendous writer. A lot of the time I know I am and it frustrates me because I’m not sure if I can get better. Of course I can, but I’m also finding that I am a bit obstinate about changing my writing to be more desirable for a reader. As I was writing that sentence, I realize how silly and inexperienced it sounds. It’s also comical to find my feet in these shoes. During the day, I am a project leader at a creative agency, and I see this experience happen with our writers and visual creators. In those situations, I can see all the different perspectives and it’s easier to think, changing that one word, while not ideal is doable and not entirely unreasonable.

 

I like to think that I am aware of and receptive to the fact that I have continuous learning and growing to do as a writer, but I have to admit I understand the need to fight for my own expression. Now, I know it what it’s like to be in these shoes and get tripped in the midst of a runner’s high. In some ways, it is completely unreasonable to change someone else’s writing — to change someone else’s expression or to blindly not give them the option and time to consider how they’d choose to change or re-create their expression. It’s all part of the process, so no judgment or aloofness intended here, it’s more of an acknowledgement of this newfound self-awareness. Revision is about becoming and being clearer to myself, so that my expression may be shared and considered.

Deep down, I believe I am a worthy writer.  I do believe I am a worthy being and I feel the act and the contents of my writing are a part of the worthy being that I am. I believe I am ever-expanding. It is not at all unreasonable for me to change my expression in writing or any other way based on feedback I’ve received or perceived. In fact, my immediate reaction to my own worthy expression is to revise.

Speaking of parts of who I am, did you know that there is a part of me that is a timer? There is always someone inside here keeping track of time, constantly gauging whether or not I’m doing things fast enough or if I’ll have enough time to do what I want to do. This timer person is constantly worried and feeling let down for a large part of each day. This is partially because I’m not meeting the expectations and partially because no one else in here really likes the timer person. She kind of takes the fun out of everything and is constantly worried about what’s next. It’s so annoying, but also important to let her do her job.

I got distracted for a moment there staring at the first photo of a black hole. These are thoughts I thought while doing that:

• This image starts to move when I look at it

• It looks like a fiery, hot, glass-blown donut

• I think that’s where we come from

• I think that’s where we go when we die

• Mother Earth’s vagina?

• That reminds me of the time I went with some friends to see the Lord of the Rings movie and one of the guys was so disturbed by the eye looking like a fiery vagina, he talked about it for days

• I think Einstein knew more than he is credited for

• If someone asks me that question about what dead people I would invite to a dinner party, the answer is Einstein, we are birthday buddies and fellow Pisceans

• Portal to other dimensions

• I feel the force of not wanting to be here (not dead, just not here) and wanting to go home sometimes, I think it’s the force of the black hole / home getting to me

• I wonder if we will be able to send things to the black hole eventually, I feel like I’d rather donate to the black hole than that new retail chain fka Goodwill

• I feel like Elon Musk just got some ideas

• Kind of reminds me of the past-life regression I did once and I saw that I was an orange energy ball

• Maybe it’s God?

• Are you there, God? It’s me, Laura

• It would be wicked if God looks like a fiery vagina in the sky and is constantly vaccuuming the universe like an extraterrestrial dyson

• I am mostly serious. Seriously, I wish I was actually funny vs apt to make subtle attempts to be funny beyond my own enjoyment and curiosity

• If it’s not God or the place we came from or go to when we die, it’s got to be the actual internet

Here is something that I think is really interesting about the image that I read on the National Geographic website:

“Rather than being a single snapshot, like the many spectacular photos taken by the Hubble Space Telescope, the EHT‘s image is the product of a process called interferometry, which combines observations from multiple telescopes into one image. When separate dishes simultaneously observe the same target, scientists can collate the observations and “see” an object as though they’re using one giant dish that spans the distance between those telescopes.”

This is exactly what we are supposed to be learning from this accomplishment. However, human interpretation of the importance and significance of science is often focused on intelligence in this dimension. When I read the paragraph above, my take away is that this makes complete sense and is representative of how people on the planet must interact with each other in order to see more of what’s possible and what is. Each of us has a complementary view of this experience that is crucial to understanding and seeing more of the whole. So many of the discoveries and breakthroughs we are having also include this message. We are becoming more aware and capable of interpreting multi-dimensional messages, but we often choose to overlook several points to focus on outer validation. Overvaluing outside validation is a large part of why we continue to struggle to accept who we are and accept others for who they are. The answers are being projected, discovered and only partially interpreted or fully misinterpreted by us all throughout creation and the experience called life.

I got distracted again and started reading this on the same page:

“Although their name suggests emptiness, black holes are the densest objects in the universe, giving them enormous gravitational pull. Stellar black holes, formed from the collapse of giant stars, can compact the mass of 10 suns to the size of New York City. Supermassive black holes at the centers of galaxies can have the mass of billions of suns. Their origin remains a mystery.”

After I read that paragraph a couple of times, the thought occurred that maybe we didn’t come out of Mother Earth’s vagina, but rather, we are actually a product of some other dimension’s butthole. Either one seems reasonable at this point. Truly, it’s probably intentionally ambiguous as a reminder for us to know how special we are and how we’re also not THAT special. Actually, let’s be real, we’re the shit…in a good way, we’re the cosmic shit. I must be getting tired because I’m getting a little silly. To be fair, I don’t think it is just me, I do think our creator has a profound and amusing sense of humor.

This is maybe a little weirder and more lowbrow than what I would put out into the world normally, but when humanity has a breakthrough like this it makes me wonder what I believe and if we really know what we’re doing. I’m not always certain discovery and validation solely through the scientific and data lens is advancing us as much as we hope and claim. To be clear, I’m not disputing or discrediting science and research, I am suggesting that we become limited if we’re not also considering implicit multi-dimensional possibilities.

I am already nervous to know what it will feel like to go back and read this tomorrow…haha!

Time for Sobagh Kriya and bedtime.

P.S. In all honesty, regarding today’s post, I do not think this is how to write a book, but maybe it’s what happens when I’m distracted from trying to write a book.

Completely,

Laura